Several weeks ago, I had dinner with a dear sister-friend of mine. During the course of our evening and conversation, she gently pointed out how negative I was about myself.
I love her for knowing she was safe enough to be gut-level honest with me.
I love her for loving me enough not to let me stay in that place.
It's a delicate dance to take the risk to speak something hard into someone's life. Because she earnestly loves me, she earned the right to speak that truth in safety for both of us.
I love her for telling the truth.
I thought a lot about what she'd said...
BUT HOW DO YOU CHANGE SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN INGRAINED IN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL?
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I recently started writing something God has been stirring in my heart for a couple of years to write. Ironman bought me a special binder and an out-of-this-world-rockin' pen to get started. After many days of pen-to-paper, I finished the introduction. I gave my binder to Ironman to preview so he could tell me if he thought I was on the right track. I anticipated some sort of encouragement. Instead, he told me I was too hard on myself. I was repeatedly negative. It almost seemed as if I didn't believe in what I was writing.
OUCH.
THE TRUTH DOES, INDEED, HURT SOMETIMES... BUT, SOMETIMES, IT'S NECESSARY.
I let my binder sit quiet for a few weeks thinking about what Ironman said. Wasn't I just expressing humility? Wasn't I just making sure that anyone who might read my words would know that I didn't think I was something that I'm not?
AND HOW EXACTLY DO YOU WASH AWAY ALL THOSE LIES INGRAINED IN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL?
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Last week, I picked up my binder again. I re-read my own introduction. Guess what I saw? Negativity. Not humility. {Sigh}
Being humble is not self-deprecating.
HOW DO YOU SILENCE THE LIES?
I'm sure that on some level I will always battle my upbringing and abuse, but it was time to let another layer peel back... to let another layer be exposed to heal.
LET IT HEAL.
I grabbed my slick new pen, and I began to cross off every single thing that was negative, self-doubting, insecure.
One single line through the words became swirls and scribbles of blocking out the negative... all of the negative...
As I marked off each less-than word, sentence, paragraph... something began to happen. I crossed away part of my past, and I began to believe the truth.
I HAVE A VOICE.
God brought me here, HE asked me to write, and I have every right to do just that.
I HAVE NO REASON TO BE OR FEEL INSECURE.
My confidence is in HIS call to do this. My confidence is in HIS crazy-ridiculous-upside-down love for me.
I MOST CERTAINLY DO BELIEVE IN WHAT I SHARE AND WHAT I WRITE.
I don't know how to silence all the lies, but I do believe it begins with crossing off, ripping up, obliterating one negative voice, statement, face at a time.
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More than the words left among the scribbles, something deep took place in my heart. I gave my messy, scribbly introduction to Ironman to re-read. He finished, smiled and kissed me on the forehead. I knew it was a good beginning. A humble, truthful, GOOD beginning.
All is grace...always grace,
