NO ONE IS EVER
GOING TO READ ANOTHER THING YOU WRITE, EVER, IF YOU PUT THIS OUT THERE!
SOME THINGS
MIGHT JUST BE TOO RAW FOR SHARING.
SAYING CERTAIN
THINGS MIGHT DAMAGE THE TRUST OTHERS HAVE IN YOU, ALONG WITH THE GUIDANCE YOU OFFER IF
YOU SAY THEM ALOUD.
REGARDLESS OF MY FEARS, BRACE YOURSELF.
I AM WRITING FOR THE 5%.
GOD, HAVE MERCY.
I am going to have an out-loud faith crisis right here, right now. I will do my level best for this not to be a rant, because it is so much more than that.
Endless sorrows.
Years of suffering.
Out-of-the-blue derailing.
Unanswered prayers.
A silent God.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
I knew this was coming to a head. I have been feeling it for a while. I feel it now. I sense that I am at a spiritual crossroads, and the battle at the crossroads has become more fierce than ever to STAY ON THE FAITH-ROAD.
"We have had our fill..."
Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. There are limits. Human limits.
I am tired of being ground into dust and our family never getting the chance to come up for air for a real, tried-and-true breath where oxygen can fill spiritual lungs and finger out into peace where there is rest (even if only for a minute or two), and dare I say it, we can experience JOY. But everything is tainted. Strings are attached everywhere. Strings strangle, and we are dying here.
I am tired of our family having to experience these things so that we know this kind of to-the-bone suffering. Why were we chosen to have to live this? Is it solely to encourage others? It is so difficult to abide by that anymore. It seems that every single time it looks like there will be a breakthrough, we are slammed backwards even further than when hope was stirred, and dashed hope is then added to the long years of grief. When will the suffering "bucket" be full so we can move on from this? IronMan and I were both given deep-feeling hearts and he was given deep-seeing spiritual eyes, but we are tired and so very exhausted. I get it, though. Rare, God-gifted truths come from my IronMan, even if it's just to a handful of others, but he is weary, and we are weary, and I don't know if we want to be or can be *THOSE messengers anymore. Elijah ended up collapsed by a tree, and an angel brought him a jar of water and fresh baked bread. The angel also PROTECTED Elijah so he could rest "enough" for the next part of his journey (see 1 Kings 19). God gave Elijah what he needed to continue on. His needs were met. Our needs are not being met, and we are in dire need of bread, a jar of water, and protected rest. I wonder if we will ever be able to become the messengers of breakthrough and hope and joy? I want to be the one to tell others that God will INDEED show up right spot in the middle of your circumstances if you trust Him. Yes, you can count on Him, no matter what. I want to be THAT messenger, not the messenger that struggles to believe God is a promise-keeper, John-didn't-get-out-of-prison, Stephen-was-stoned, and I don't know for sure if God really is a LOVING FATHER after all.
There is no platitude I want to hear. Trust me. I know them all. It doesn't help. I used to use them years ago myself to encourage others before I truly understood. Forgive me if you were a recipient. They are empty words. Bless you, but if you are a fellow believer and you don't know deep suffering, please, please do not be offended, because I mean no offense, truly, but I don't care what you have to say. I care about your heart and that you *want to say something, but you have no idea what you are saying or speaking into someone else's life if you don't personally walk with a "limp," if you haven't been damaged, experienced deep grief, or been accompanied by sorrow. I have thought this for a while, and I am becoming more and more convinced that on this God-journey of leading people spiritually, it is NOT a seminary degree that qualifies you (yes, I do know this is important), or years of climbing the modern church infrastructural ladder, but your own brokenness and suffering. Pain qualifies you. The human experience qualifies you. ALL surrendered in deep trust to a Holy God qualifies you, but I worry we won't survive this "all surrendered" with faith intact.
When thinking of other people (maybe even close family or friends), we need to put blinders on and keep them on, because looking at how God has seemingly been a companion to others can add to the sorrow. So many give God honor and thanks for the many blessings they have in their lives, while some of us ruthless God-trusters might start to wonder what in the world is wrong with us, and why is God treating us differently. Sometimes, there are no answers or explanations. Other people might even begin to make us feel like something is wrong with us. Unintentionally, people do subtle things to make you feel lower than they are, and it is so very hard. The truth is, perpetual sorrow and suffering can isolate you. If you are sensitive, it undoubtedly will isolate you. This is a lonely journey, and I am sorry for you...I am sorry for us. 😔 IronMan and I have been married for 27 years, but the last 19 years have been mauled by nightmare after nightmare, desert after desert, utter ruins after utter ruins. Before that, the first 18 years of my life were mostly hell-on-earth, as well. Currently, faith is stuck on that rickety bridge, belief seems to be the elusive bank on the other side, and our hope is enervated. Our struggle has been years long with pain on top of pain on top of pain on top of pain, and no real resolve, relief, or breath from any of it. We are drowning in compounded grief. I understand the dark night of the soul, and why one might need to experience the utter depths of that darkness, but 19 years back and forth in that torment... it feels like too much. I know there are people that have been to the very pit of hell, their hearts have been fully rent, and they still stand to say that "God is faithful." I honor that, and I honor them. I truly do. Each person is different, and it isn't for me to judge the depths of their grief or their journey. There will always be someone who is in circumstances far worse, and there will always be someone who is in circumstances far better, but all is felt as anguish. It is not for us to qualify or quantify suffering. We need blinders for suffering as well as blessing. This is about my personal journey with God and your personal journey with God, not someone else's. I want to say that God is faithful...that He has been faithful to us. I really do want to say that in truth. I feel strongly that it does not matter whether God pulls through or has pulled through for someone else. Honestly, I find little encouragement from their stories anymore. It's truth for me right now, because whether or not God came through for them doesn't matter. WE NEED GOD TO COME THROUGH FOR *US. If you are reading this and your heart resonates, I know it matters little whether or not God pulls through for me or my family, because YOU NEED GOD TO COME THROUGH FOR YOU.
Yes, it is as the 123rd Psalmist said...
"Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy, for we have had our fill..."
REGARDLESS OF MY FEARS, BRACE YOURSELF.
I AM WRITING FOR THE 5%.
GOD, HAVE MERCY.
I am going to have an out-loud faith crisis right here, right now. I will do my level best for this not to be a rant, because it is so much more than that.
Endless sorrows.
Years of suffering.
Out-of-the-blue derailing.
Unanswered prayers.
A silent God.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
I knew this was coming to a head. I have been feeling it for a while. I feel it now. I sense that I am at a spiritual crossroads, and the battle at the crossroads has become more fierce than ever to STAY ON THE FAITH-ROAD.
"We have had our fill..."
Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. There are limits. Human limits.
I am tired of being ground into dust and our family never getting the chance to come up for air for a real, tried-and-true breath where oxygen can fill spiritual lungs and finger out into peace where there is rest (even if only for a minute or two), and dare I say it, we can experience JOY. But everything is tainted. Strings are attached everywhere. Strings strangle, and we are dying here.
I am tired of our family having to experience these things so that we know this kind of to-the-bone suffering. Why were we chosen to have to live this? Is it solely to encourage others? It is so difficult to abide by that anymore. It seems that every single time it looks like there will be a breakthrough, we are slammed backwards even further than when hope was stirred, and dashed hope is then added to the long years of grief. When will the suffering "bucket" be full so we can move on from this? IronMan and I were both given deep-feeling hearts and he was given deep-seeing spiritual eyes, but we are tired and so very exhausted. I get it, though. Rare, God-gifted truths come from my IronMan, even if it's just to a handful of others, but he is weary, and we are weary, and I don't know if we want to be or can be *THOSE messengers anymore. Elijah ended up collapsed by a tree, and an angel brought him a jar of water and fresh baked bread. The angel also PROTECTED Elijah so he could rest "enough" for the next part of his journey (see 1 Kings 19). God gave Elijah what he needed to continue on. His needs were met. Our needs are not being met, and we are in dire need of bread, a jar of water, and protected rest. I wonder if we will ever be able to become the messengers of breakthrough and hope and joy? I want to be the one to tell others that God will INDEED show up right spot in the middle of your circumstances if you trust Him. Yes, you can count on Him, no matter what. I want to be THAT messenger, not the messenger that struggles to believe God is a promise-keeper, John-didn't-get-out-of-prison, Stephen-was-stoned, and I don't know for sure if God really is a LOVING FATHER after all.
There is no platitude I want to hear. Trust me. I know them all. It doesn't help. I used to use them years ago myself to encourage others before I truly understood. Forgive me if you were a recipient. They are empty words. Bless you, but if you are a fellow believer and you don't know deep suffering, please, please do not be offended, because I mean no offense, truly, but I don't care what you have to say. I care about your heart and that you *want to say something, but you have no idea what you are saying or speaking into someone else's life if you don't personally walk with a "limp," if you haven't been damaged, experienced deep grief, or been accompanied by sorrow. I have thought this for a while, and I am becoming more and more convinced that on this God-journey of leading people spiritually, it is NOT a seminary degree that qualifies you (yes, I do know this is important), or years of climbing the modern church infrastructural ladder, but your own brokenness and suffering. Pain qualifies you. The human experience qualifies you. ALL surrendered in deep trust to a Holy God qualifies you, but I worry we won't survive this "all surrendered" with faith intact.
Yes, it is as the 123rd Psalmist said...
"Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy, for we have had our fill..."
This ache... This lonely,
terrifying ache of these thoughts walks me back and forth across this rickety
bridge between failed faith, and hanging on. I might fall through the ragged boards all the way through
to my death below if I don't get this hammered out and get across this bridge
to actual safe ground. What if we are John and we don't get out of prison? I can scarcely breathe thinking that our circumstance might not change. John sent word to Jesus from prison questioning if he, indeed, was the "one." Jesus told his disciples to report to John, "The blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is being preached to the poor." (see Matthew 11) Jesus had the power to do all of that, but surely John had to wonder if Jesus was going to use that same power to free him from prison. I'll bet Ol' John might have been looking for the sparkle in Jesus' eyes to appear through the bars of his dank prison cell right up to the moment the blade was drawn to take his head. Did he, too, wonder if God was faithful? Because God is always faithful, right? I feel like I want to drive a stake
right through this fragile truth, claim it sure and strong, and declare
that this, somehow, is what His faithfulness looks like, because if it isn't,
then what in the love of all
things holy is it? If it is true that God is always faithful, then this mess that I
am left here to stand up underneath must somehow have God's stamp of
faithfulness on it. Sigh. But life. Oh Life. How you plow us deep and abandon
us as hard clods in a desolate field, and we are left struggling to FIND God's
faithfulness instead of God FINDING and SHOWING us that He simply is.
What
happens to us when life breaks hearts at the
deepest of levels, and mars faith
down deep in soul-hollows, when WHO you believed God to be becomes shattered by your personal experience? I know you might be shaking
your head at that. But in this walking with God business, let me tell you, your PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with the God of Jesus Christ IS this walk. Maybe I am not seeing clearly? Maybe this shattered
circumstance is what it’s actually all about, so that we will press
in deeper, harder, unrelenting until
He shows us Himself and WHO He really
is among these faith shards.
He, as sure as I am writing these words, isn't who I thought He would be and what this journey would look like.
WHO ARE YOU, GOD?
ARE YOU FAITHFUL, OR NOT?
He, as sure as I am writing these words, isn't who I thought He would be and what this journey would look like.
WHO ARE YOU, GOD?
ARE YOU FAITHFUL, OR NOT?
BUT WOW...
When you wake up to this and realize that IT'S OKAY TO ASK THAT QUESTION, & THAT MAYBE GOD WANTS YOU TO STARE RIGHT INTO THE BLOODY FACE OF IT, because when you have that deep of a wondering about God from being left in a life-heap, you might finally be getting down to the heart of the matter.
I realize that to a lot of faith people, my words are dangerous. It is far easier to dismiss me, and cling rigidly to your beliefs without trying to feel what other Jesus-lovers feel, especially in the midst of soul-destruction. If you are relating to any of this, you already know this is a soul-lonely journey, and even your closest friends and family may not "get" you or this. It is far too easy to leave broken, hurting, aching, wondering people in the dust when you simply don't understand. Brokenness can be scary, and questions are scary, because no one wants others to know what they might think deep down and openness is too raw, vulnerable, and revealing. BUT QUESTIONS ARE NOT FAITHLESS, AND BROKENNESS IS NOT LESS-THAN.
We are not fair weather followers. We have staked our life on a few principles:
"Trust the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)
"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you..." (2 Chronicles 20:17)
These are just the tip of the iceberg, but they begin to express our hearts and our belief that if you TRUST GOD... SOMETIMES RUTHLESSLY... HE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. We are not fainthearted God trusters. WE ARE FULL-DEPENDERS. We are probably even a little bit crazy how we keep getting back up again and finding a way to keep trusting. We actually believe that if we seek Him, He will speak, and if we wait, He will direct. Apparently, that sometimes gets you stuck in the muck, or even just about dead! If God is who we believe He is, then where is He? If God isn't who we believe He is, then we have spent our whole lives pouring out, leading others to Him and His fierce love and grace, and teaching them the same; if you seek, He will lead, and He will provide. We have God's undeniable fingerprints dotted across our journey, but when you are standing on the bridge with rotten, creaky boards and the bottom is about to fall out, you are begging your Father for help, guidance, direction, provision, and a way, any way, off the dangerous bridge, but He is silent and withholds his helping hand, what are you supposed to believe and what are you supposed to do?
WRESTLE.
Would God have you accept crushing life without question, or would He rather have real, authentic lovers of Jesus wrestling in the ashes, pressing into Him for real assurance, even if there were no unequivocal answers? Muster up one last bit of something from these shards we are left with and find a way. Slam your fists on the table and scream from the soul-depths. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE ABANDONED US, even if every last evidence points to the fact that He has. Jesus felt like His Father had abandoned Him, too, so I guess we are in good company. I know we have entered this particular wrestling match already injured and limping. The fact is, we have crawled, scratched and clawed our way with bloody fingers and scraped raw knees, but if I have to concede this fight with whomever or whatever I am fighting, that means I have to concede everything I have ever believed and trusted. Sure, faith is rattled to the very core of who I am right now, but I am not going down without this one last fight, without this one last open-handed offering with bloody hands giving every last bit of me. I will fight to the brink of death if I have to. I AM HOLDING ON AND I AM NOT LETTING GO. I am begging God for a Jacob-type breakthrough.
A BREAKTHROUGH.
A CHANGE IN OUR CIRCUMSTANCES.
If we lose this fight, it feels like all will be lost, but what choice do we have? Either God is who he says He is, or He isn't. God is either fully faithful and trustworthy, or He isn't. It seems to me the only choice I have is to put this all on God. It is God's own reputation that is at stake. He can choose to do what He wants to do with that. He is responsible for the truth of His reputation, even if it is just to me and my humble little family. We have given Him all of our trust. He either is or He isn't faithful... and it is time, Father, to get the Sargent family to the bank and off this rickety bridge.
God, have mercy...
***********
