The Words Must Go On

The words must go on.

If I am misunderstood or misrepresented, the words must go on, and my life- MY STORY- must be told.  My story isn't more important than your story.  ALL of our stories are equally as important.  It just so happens that parts of my story are finding words.  Parts of your story might be finding words, too.  I have a call- a burden to share.  I don't share so that everyone who reads will understand me or my journey.  I SHARE FOR A HANDFUL- A FEW LIKE ME- BROKEN, YET HUNGRY AND THIRSTY FOR MORE OF JESUS.  I have to let go of those who misunderstand me and misrepresent me.  My own heart aches, wishing they would open theirs. But...

THE WORDS MUST GO ON...

I openly share the broken shambles of who I am, so you will know you are NOT ALONE- so you will know the truth- GOD REDEEMS BROKEN MESSES LIKE ME, AND HE CAN REDEEM YOU.  Something beautiful comes from the ashes of you and me.   So...

THE WORDS MUST GO ON...

I write to tell you about HIS WHISPERS, so you can recognize them, too.  HE BECKONS US TO COME... broken me and broken you.  We are ALL broken.  COME.  His heart is beautiful.  His love is safe. His voice is true.  And...

THE WORDS MUST GO ON...


I live and breathe and give and try and share and bleed and cry GRACE.  It's all about GOD AND GRACE.  


GRACE...  

GRACE... 

GRACE... 


I need grace.  I give grace.  I want to BE GRACE.  Grace changes me.  Grace changes you.  Bitterness melts away. Hurts are healed.  Anger is calmed. Reconciliation is possible.  GRACE.  My life is GRACE- my message is GRACE. And...

THE WORDS MUST GO ON...

Some take advantage of grace.  Some pin the reputation of the grace-givers against the wall and question WHAT we are, but they can't change WHO we are. WE ARE GRACE- BROKEN AND IMPERFECT- A SWEET PARADOX.  I exist to share the redemption of grace in my life, REAL AND GRITTY.  So...

THE WORDS MUST GO ON... 

Some people throw grace away and don't want it at all.  GRACE CAN BE TOO HONEST- TOO RAW- TOO VULNERABLE TO EMBRACE.  But grace-givers know, and grace-givers see. Broken ones, sometimes, don't grasp grace, because the PAINFUL HONESTY OF THEMSELVES IS TOO MUCH TO BEAR.  I know.  We know.


GRACE-GIVERS HAVE BEEN SWEPT THROUGH A RIVER OF PAIN SO THEY CAN SEE WHAT THEY SEE, FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL, AND GIVE WHAT THEY GIVE.


Some people hide behind walls.  They complain and moan and cry and judge, because this isn't the way they wanted it.  Is life ever the way any of us want it? GRACE IS THERE FOR THE TAKING, BUT SOMETIMES GRACE IS STOMPED AND TRASHED AND THROWN TO THE GROUND.  Grace-givers' hurt and disappointment is deep and real.  Pain surrendered turns into compassion.  Prayers are lifted.  GRACE-GIVERS STAND STILL AND QUIET IN TRUTH AND TRUST.  We scratch and claw our way to live out grace in the flesh- in our stories.  We surrender ourselves wholly to the One who understands all, and we allow ourselves to be held by Him.  Still...

THE WORDS MUST GO ON...


I am surrendered.  I am as fully abandoned to JESUS as I know how to be.  I TRUST HIM when life is hard AND when life is good.  I pray that my words are the ones He wants me to share.  I DO NOT TAKE LIGHTLY THIS "CALL" OF WORDS- THIS "CALL" OF GRACE.  I know that it is beyond me and my abilities.  I am humbled that He uses this broken girl to share His truth and the pieces of His heart that I know.  And..

THESE WORDS MUST GO ON...

"If I say I'll never mention the LORD or speak in His name, His word burns in my heart like a fire. It's like a fire in my bones! I am worn out trying to hold it in! I can't do it!"  (Jeremiah 20:9 NLT)

THESE WORDS *WILL* GO ON... 

Twice Adopted

I'm adopted. 

This is one of the most treasured parts of my crazy-beautiful-upside-down story.  Unless you're new to my blog or me, it's no secret that my father was a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic.  My upbringing left me damaged and wounded with gaping holes that needed filled. 

When I was eighteen years old, my father exited my mom's life and mine for another woman and her small children.  On all levels, it was relief.  The abuser was gone. 

FINALLY.

When I was nineteen years old, I married my hero... my knight in shining armor... my Ironman.  I never dreamed that such a beautifully hearted man would choose broken me, but he did. 

MY LIFE HAS BEEN FOREVER CHANGED AND BLESSED BECAUSE OF HIM. 

MY MOM'S LIFE HAS BEEN FOREVER CHANGED AND BLESSED BECAUSE OF IRONMAN, TOO.

Two years into our marriage, Ironman's mom mentioned her dear cousin who was going through a bitter heart-sick divorce.  She wondered if my mom would be interested in meeting him?  I smile now because my mom, after going through hell, was perfectly content to be single for the rest of her life.  She, honestly and understandably, never wanted anything to do with another man again.  After a bit of pressuring from Ironman and me, she reluctantly agreed to meet the cousin. 

AFTER ALL, WHAT HARM COULD COME TO AN INDIANA GIRL FROM A COLORADO MAN LIVING 1,200 MILES AWAY?

I've never believed in love-at-first-sight stories until I witnessed one myself.  Colorado Man came and swept my mom off her feet with his charm, kindness, sincerity, and gentle love.  

TWO PEOPLE IN THE GREAT-SEA-OF-US-ALL FOUND EACH OTHER.

They met in April and were married the following year in September.  My mom sold her house, gave away most of her belongings except for a small car load, and moved to beautiful Colorado to rest in LOVE'S NEW HOME. 

***********

Four years  after their marriage, a phone call from my mom changed the course of my identity.  At the time, I was expecting our first child.  In the midst of the conversation it came up that Colorado Man wanted to, somehow, officially be my father, and a grandfather to the little one and future little ones that would join our family.  It wasn't enough that I called him "Dad" and he would be called "Grandpa."  He wanted his role to be recognized in an official capacity. 

HE WANTED ME, BROKEN ME, TO BE HIS OFFICIAL HEIR.

It was almost too much to drink in.  Colorado Man wanted to be my father... my dad.

HE WANTED ME. 

But how could this happen since I was a married adult- almost twenty-five years old?

With a little bit of research and a good lawyer, we discovered that adult adoptions were indeed legal and possible in the state of Colorado.  My mom and Colorado Man spent a year tying up legal footwork.  In the summer of 1997, we took our first vacation west with our little daughter to celebrate her first birthday with "Grammy" and "Papa Don."  During this same trip on August 6th, I officially became Colorado Man's daughter.

I WAS HIS HEIR.

I BELONGED.

I WAS CHOSEN... WANTED...LOVED.

In the twisted beauty of my story, because he is a cousin on Ironman's side of the family, my four children are actually blood related to their grandfather.  Only God could orchestrate something so sweet.  "Papa Don" is the best grandfather in the world to my kids.  He, sacrificially, gives his time and energy to them. He delights in them, and they in him. 

HE FILLS THEIR LIVES WITH LIFE, LIGHT, AND JOY.

It's beautiful to watch their relationships grow and deepen.  It is a brokenness restored to my heart.  My dad is a true gift to them and to me.

***********

SOMETIMES GIFTS HAVE DEEPER, HIDDEN TREASURES WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED.

I'll never forget the day that God whispered to me a gift of deeper understanding. 

MY DAD CHOSE ME, JUST LIKE GOD CHOSE ME.

"You didn't choose me.  I chose you."  John 15:16 (NLT)

I AM MY DAD'S HEIR, AND I AM ALSO GOD'S HEIR.

"And since we are His children, we are His heirs.  In fact, together with Christ, we are heirs of God's glory."  Romans 8:17 (NLT)

I AM PURPOSELY GRAFTED INTO MY DAD'S FAMILY TREE, AND I AM PURPOSELY GRAFTED INTO GOD'S.

"I am the vine;  you are the branches.  Those who remain in me and I in them, will produce much fruit.  For apart from me you can do nothing."  John 15:5 (NLT)

I AM WANTED, CHOSEN, DESIRED, CHERISHED, LOVED... ADOPTED... BY MY DAD, AND I AM WANTED, CHOSEN, DESIRED, CHERISHED, LOVED...ADOPTED... BY GOD.

"You received God's spirit when He adopted you as His own children.  Now we call Him, 'Abba, Father.' For His spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children."  Romans 8:15-16 (NLT)

WE ARE GOD'S CHILDREN-  HIS DAUGHTERS-  HIS SONS.

DRINK IN THE GIFT.

IT'S UNSPEAKABLY BEAUTIFUL.

Indeed!  There is no greater gift than being adopted.

I am twice adopted, and I am one grateful daughter.

***********

Happy Father's Day, Dads!  I honor YOU!

p.s.  The above picture is of my dad and my youngest having a ball in a bumper boat.  :)

To the Truly Broken

BROKEN.  BROKEN.  BROKEN.  BROKEN.  BROKEN.  BROKEN.

******


I know how you feel broken one.
I want you to know you are not alone.
You are not useless.
You are not an outcast.
You are worthy, desired, wanted, needed, cherished... 

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE.

YOU MATTER.

***********


Don't blame yourself.

DON'T HIDE IN THE SHADOW OF SHAME.

I know you might feel like you have done this to yourself- that your choices have turned to consequence- that you have made mistakes, and now you have to pay the price.  I can't promise you won't have pain, but in honest humility before God, your tears will turn to freedom.  In honest humility before yourself, you will begin to breathe again.  Bring the truth of YOU fully into God's light.   

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT EVEN IN THE DARK SHADOW OF FAILURE YOU ARE ENVELOPED IN HIS GRACE, DEAR ONE?

Find a way to His Light- step, crawl, run, scratch your way.  Don't worry, Fragile Flower, He will not throw stones.  He never has.  He never will.  Mercy's kiss is sweet and deep.   

MERCY'S KISS IS YOURS. 

"Oh storm-battered city, troubled and desolate!  I will rebuild you on a foundation of sapphires and make the walls of your houses from precious jewels."  Isaiah 54:11

***********


Don't blame God.

DON'T HIDE BEHIND YOUR WALL OF RESENTMENT.

I know you feel ripped from end to end.  I know you feel like you cannot carry one more thing.  I know you feel you don't deserve all that has happened to you- it isn't fair.  But, nonetheless, you are here.  If you are angry, tell God about it.  Be honest with Him, because He already knows your heart.  The wall you hide behind is a facade of protection. 

TRANSPARENCY WILL DEMOLISH YOUR WALL OF RESENTMENT BRICK BY BRICK.

TRUST WILL FREE YOU.

Let go.  Trust.  God is worthy of your trust.  Even if you don't understand all that is happening to you or around you, trust Him. Your brokenness abandoned allows Him to heal and bind your wounds.

Perhaps you don't feel anger or resentment?

MAYBE YOU JUST FEEL LOST, ALONE, EMPTY...

Your hurt, disappointment, affliction, insecurities, sorrow, loss, struggle, ache... surrendered to Him may not change your circumstance, but it will change your heart posture.  He wants you to be stripped away, so He can rebuild you strong.  He wants you to be stripped away so you can feel His touch, and hear His whisper.  He wants you to be stripped away so you will turn to Him and depend on Him- completely.  He wants you to be stripped away so He can blanket you in His love, and hold you in His embrace.

LOVE'S EMBRACE IS YOURS, TENDER HEART.


"Come, let us return to the Lord.  He has torn us to pieces; now He will heal us.  He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds."  (Hosea 6:1) 

***********


Brokenness will expose you raw and level you to soul basics.  Your heart will bleed.  Tears will fall.   You will be undone.   However and wherever you find yourself in this place, don't give up.  Hold onto hope.  Hold onto Jesus.   

BROKEN THINGS SURRENDERED BECOME BEAUTIFUL IN HIS FLOOD OF GRACE- EXQUISITELY BEAUTIFUL.


"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair."  Isaiah 61:3


BEAUTY FOR ASHES...


True depth and beauty of character can only come through embracing your broken road.  Keep seeking.  Keep trusting.  Keep praying.  He will restore you.  Dawn is just around the corner.  



"In just a short time He will restore us, so that we may live in His presence. Oh, that we might know the Lord.  Let us press on to know Him.  He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of the dawn or the coming of rains in early spring." (Hosea 6:2-3)


YES, DAWN IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER...


I know how you feel broken one.
I want you to know you are not alone.