We Get to be Here

Today, my husband and I are celebrating our 20 year wedding anniversary.  We have been looking forward to this day, well, since our wedding day.  The two naive teenagers that stood at God's altar all those years ago were certain their hopes and dreams would carry them abundantly into the future.  We were confident that by this marital landmark we would be leading a strong flourishing ministry, we would be financially secure homeowners, and we would be wise joyous parents of 2,3, or 4 children. We knew life would pretty much be perfect.  We've also visualized exactly how we would celebrate these two decades of blissful togetherness.  Hawaii.  Period.

HOPES WITHER.

DREAMS GET SWALLOWED UP.

LIFE PRESSES IN.

HARD.

I will eventually share the in between journey from our wedding until now, but today -this day- a major milestone of marriage finds us at a much different place than we ever imagined.  My husband is the pastor of a tiny church that survives offering plate to offering plate. We have lived in the church parsonage for the past decade, and we are anything but financially secure.  We are incredibly blessed and overjoyed with our four amazing children, but the hope of being wise parents flew out the window around the time our oldest daughter turned two.  It didn't take long before we understood that life was not going to be perfect. Sigh.  And the desire to spend a second (Did we really even have a first?) honeymoon in Hawaii followed "wise parenting" right out that same window about 12 years ago.  

EVEN WHEN LIFE IS HARD, THERE'S ALWAYS LIGHT TO BE FOUND

As our anniversary approached, my husband started arranging a humble getaway surrounding the dates of our special day.  He planned for us to stay in a chalet -just the two of us- in beautiful, mountainous Tennessee. Light!  We haven't taken a trip alone in over nineteen years, so we have been counting down days like a seven year old anxious for Christmas. It's been an especially difficult few years for our family and we haven't had a vacation or break from ministry in almost two years. We need this rest. We need this renewal.  We need this celebration.  There were just six days left in our countdown, and the flame of our light began to quake. Sickness slammed us.  ALL six of us. 

TUESDAY came and went.

WEDNESDAY gone.

THURSDAY still sick.

FRIDAY panic.

SATURDAY realization.

SUNDAY sad.

We've been dominated by a merciless virus. We're stuck at home. We're not going to Tennessee for our anniversary. Hope is muddied, once again.  Faith is fragile.  Does God know how bone crushing tired we are? Does God know we long for a break?  Does God know we ache from disappointment? Does God know?  God?  God?

WISDOM FROM A FRIEND

I have a friend that recently turned fifty- another one of life's milestones.  I asked her how she was feeling about transitioning out of her forties (even though she, honestly, doesn't look a day over 37).  She said to me, "Shanda, I get to be fifty.  What do I have to complain about?  I am just so thankful that I get to be here."   Ugh!  Today, I want to bawl like a toddler that just dropped her popsicle on the beach.  I know I can't.  I get to be here, too.  I get to share this day with my beloved.  Maybe we can't spend the day playing hide and seek in our private chalet in the middle of the mountains, but we still have much to celebrate.  With God's help, we've made it this far- together.  When you have a love that has been tried and tested in the flames of disappointment, rejection, hurt, failure, death, struggle and brokenness you know you have been given a great gift.  There is a priceless beauty that has been forged. Among the ashes of our twenty years you will find humility, compassion, trust, safety, assurance, delight, gratitude, and depth of love.  We know that we will be by each others' sides no matter what- and we've had some hellish no matter what's.  Here we are two decades in.  Maybe our bank account doesn't look like much, but we have everything we need and a lot of what we want.  Maybe our church isn't successful in the eyes of this world, but we have a small group of people that seeks hard after God with every ounce of their being.  Maybe we aren't the wisest parents in the world, but we are blessed by our children and in our broken best we trust God to make up for what we lack.  Maybe our lives aren't pretty much perfect, but love does cover almost all.  Maybe we can't spend our anniversary in Hawaii, but it really doesn't matter if we are sitting by the ocean sipping pina colladas from coconuts, tossing pebbles into the winding mountain stream, or sitting in a tattoo parlor getting matching love tattoos, we are together.  That is all that matters.  And we get to be here. 

~Happy Anniversary, Matt!  You are truly my gift from God.  Here's to the next twenty years.  It is my greatest joy and honor to be your wife!~ 2/23/11

My Small Beginnings

Do not despise these small beginnings for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin... Zechariah 4:10

A small introduction, and first peek into who I am...

I am not a writer. Being a writer is an honor that you must earn.  Writers tell stories, yet everyone has a story to tell.  What's a non-writer to do when the story must be told?  Write anyway.  If you are reading this, thank you.  I will try not to bore you to tears with my humble scratchings as my story unfolds.  I promise you that I will always be transparent, honest, and real.  I will be me. I don't really know how to be anything else.  Offering this blog is a very meager beginning.  I offer it with no agenda.  I am not seeking followers or approval.  I am simply allowing my life story to mingle and dance with the words on this page to reveal a bit of who I am.  

I chose the blog name "The Upside Down Pastor's Wife" for a reason.  I am sure I am not the only upside down pastor's wife, but truth be told I have yet to  personally meet the others.  It is very difficult to find people that are painfully honest about their humanness, especially if they are in ministry.  Right out of the gate I will say that I struggle with depression, failure (we're not talking small potatoes here), shame (we're not talking small potatoes here, either), regret, doubt, faithlessness, anger, rejection, pride, and abandonment.  I cuss (occasionally), drink (enjoyably), and have my nose pierced.  Despite all of my failures, regrets, and doubts, God has whispered in this very broken girl's ear that I am His daughter~ His little girl. Broken but His.  This is my excruciatingly small beginning into the world of blogging.  I hope God cracks a smile that I finally began.....