I Met Jesus Today

I MET JESUS TODAY.

I was standing in front of a tree weighted down with stuff.

Literal stuff.

I was strategically balancing a Rubbermaid tote, my purse, a blanket, several items my kids asked me to hold, and a backpack. In front of me on the ground was a cooler, a guitar in its case, another blanket, a casserole container and a box of doughnuts.

Yes, a box of doughnuts.

I was waiting patiently beside the tree, and I heard a kind voice say, "Hi, how are you today?" I looked up, and there was a bearded gentleman in his mid to late forties with kind eyes and a nice smile... in a wheelchair battling obvious symptoms of muscular dystrophy.

I replied, "I'm having a good day. How is your day?"

He said, "Mine is good, too. Thank you," and he continued on. I watched him as he did the fastest u-turn I've ever seen maneuvered in a motorized wheelchair. Actually, I didn't know until today that a wheelchair could move like that!

He was turning back towards the tree and me. He looked at me and asked, "Where are you going? Do you need any help?" As he held out his hands in a helping gesture he assured me, "I really don't mind."

I MET JESUS TODAY.

Jesus was in a wheelchair, and I was leveled. Jesus wanted to relieve me from my obvious burdens.Why is it that those who have, perhaps, the most need are the ones who are the quickest to volunteer help when others seem to be in need? Why is it that true giving comes out of our poverty and not our wealth? I was floored at this man's generosity. His kindness. His heart.

I MET JESUS TODAY.

I am going to figure out how I can be Jesus to others and have it flow from me with ease. I want compassion and helpfulness to be my first response to every situation with others. I am going to scratch, kick, and claw my way if I have to to get THAT to be my natural bent and the overflow of my heart, not only in words but action.

I MET JESUS TODAY.

As he zoomed away in his wheelchair, I realized just how beautiful His heart really is, and I want to be just like Him.


Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 (NLT)


ALL IS GRACE,

Thoughts and Boundaries

Right out of the gate, I want to disclose that this won't be a "normal" blog post. This is just little-old-ragamuffin-me sharing some things that are stirring in my heart. This might not be one of my more meaningful posts for you, my reader, but sometimes those who tell their story with words need to write for themselves... possibly for a measure of deeper healing.

THIS ONE IS FOR ME.

From my very first blog post, I have promised to be honest and transparent as I share my heart. I will not sanitize my thoughts or story, and  I will always strive to be as real as I can. I continue to keep that promise, and if the day comes where I can't, I will stop writing.

I noticed that my blog received 10% of its entire views in just the last month. I am EXTREMELY grateful and humbled, truly, but gratefulness will not be my point in this particular piece. However, I do thank YOU for faithfully following me and for faithfully reading. I couldn't do this without you.

For bloggers and writers, each piece that is shared "costs" something. It costs a part of yourself to release parts of your story in the form of words for others to read, think about, soak in, and possibly *sigh* judge or criticize. For the writers in particular that share raw parts of their own story (read ME), there is a certain amount of vulnerability in sharing the depths of your heart and the aches of your soul. The last piece I posted, I re-lived. I could scarcely proofread it without bursting into tears. There's always more story than what translates into words. You re-live to write, and it's sacrificial to go "back there."

Perhaps the increased traffic on my blog in the past month has something to do with that raw-gut-level-honesty. I believe people resonate with someone willing to share the ugly of their own story to help create a safe place for them to heal and wrestle with theirs. One of the reasons I write is so others will know they are NOT ALONE.

I am far from perfect. I have made, and will continue to make mistakes. I am human. In humility, I have tried to own my failures. I know my platform is a tiny one, but I take the responsibility very seriously. I try, if I am wrong or have wronged someone, to "own" my part as honestly as I can. I cannot, however, be responsible for FABRICATED accusations or CONTRIVED hurts. In grace, I have also tried to appropriately stand up for myself when criticisms have come. It is, perhaps, grace that can sometimes be the most costly of all, but grace gives you peace of mind so you can walk away knowing you didn't "play along" with the attempted destruction that was sent to tear you down.

All of this has gotten this grace-girl thinking a lot about boundaries lately.

GRACE DOES NOT MEAN WITHOUT BOUNDARIES.

Boundaries are healthy barriers you establish to protect yourself. Grace does not mean you have to be a doormat for another to spew their venom and walk away. Grace does not mean you have to be silent. I have done a poor job of establishing boundaries my entire life. I may fail as I attempt it now, but I feel this is my space. It is a little bit of "home" for me, and it's time I take a few simple steps to protect it.

I WILL NOT allow someone to make me feel like the story of my growing up years is invalid, and that I have no right to feel or be broken. I suffered at the hands of a physically and mentally abusive alcoholic for the fragile and formative years of my life until I was eighteen-years-old. I am forever damaged because of it. I will always be broken, and feel un-whole on some level. I am here to share my story so others will know they have a safe place with me. I am here to share my story for the men and women who also feel broken and un-whole. I will NOT make light of my story, because THERE IS NO LIGHT. It is insensitive, cowardly, and immature to criticize another when they have bled their story selflessly for the possible healing and connection of others. In my humble opinion, you have trampled on something just a little bit holy, because the TRUTH of someone's story is a sacred thing.

If you are struggling with shame, remorse, or regret (trust me, I have been there), it's so much easier to be in denial and cast blame on someone else to help ease your pain. The ONLY way you will find peace, again, is if you, first, look long and hard into the mirror with brutal honesty. Do the work there, down in the grit deep within yourself, and then (and only then), in true humility can you move forward and focus on real healing.

From here on out, I will be moderating all of the comments that come through my blog. I apologize, because I know this is a hassle for those of you who leave comments here instead of on facebook. I, simply, have to protect this space, and I thank you for your patience and grace ahead of time. This is "home" for me, and it's time to keep "home" a safe place, not only for my readers, but for me, too.

Thank you for bearing with me. Again, I realize this is not a "normal" post, but sometimes circumstance deems a response, and it is healing, indeed, for me to stand up for ME just a little bit.

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*THIS* is why I do what I do...  

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

YOU HAVE A SAFE PLACE WITH YOUR *OWN* STORY!

MAY YOU ALWAYS FIND A BIT OF GRACE EACH TIME YOU LEAVE THIS SPACE... THAT IS MY HUMBLE PRAYER...

"It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are . . . because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier . . . for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own . . . ”  (Frederick Buechner)



ALL IS GRACE,

I am That Girl (The Difference With Brennan Manning)

I AM THAT GIRL...

I am the girl who was robbed of her childhood and was shackled well into her adulthood.

I am the daughter of a man who sometimes disappeared for days without a phone call... without a trace.

Alcoholism is no respecter of Christmas or birthdays... regret or heart-break.

Each day just is. Drunk or not.

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I AM THAT GIRL...

I'm the little girl tucked away fragile under her pink blanket in the back seat of the rusty old Dodge Dart.

Many nights of my childhood, the hum of the tires laid its path from dirty country roads to the county jailhouse where we would collect my father, sometimes black-eyed, busted lipped, and blood-soaked... always speech slurred with excuses.

I am the small girl who hid alone in the backseat mingled in the odor of cigarette smoke, stale alcohol and fresh vomit. I covered my nose and mouth with my pink blanket so I wouldn't have to breathe his air. The multi-colored neon lights of the bail bonds building pulsated and robbed my sleep. The school bus would come for me in a few short hours.

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I AM THAT GIRL...

I am the girl who lived in the reality of fear.

A MAN CAN'T SINK MUCH LOWER. 

To elevate himself, he dominated me with his power, manipulated me with his anger, and controlled me with his terror.

I am the girl who had nightmares about him well into my thirties, and I will never fully escape the mess he created.

I am the girl whose father broke her...drunk or sober...on purpose.

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I AM THAT GIRL...

I am the girl who believes in restoration.

I went to my father in my mid-twenties to express forgiveness. He didn't think there was anything that needed forgiveness.

I walked away for good leaving my grace in his lap while I carried his debt and mine home...with me.

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I AM THAT GIRL...

I am the girl who discovered she was rejected publicly. Her father declared no heirs, no children, no daughter... to him, I don't exist.

I am the damaged daughter who nearly drowned in his wake. Pain and baggage SCREAM that I am here.

Whether he writes me off or not, it doesn't change the fact that...

I am here... *sigh*

HE OWNS NOTHING... NOT EVEN ME.

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I AM THAT GIRL...

I am the girl who began to read the memoir of one of her favorite authors last Christmas... and wept.

This man changed my life, my heart, and my thinking, yet I discovered that he is not unlike my father.

I knew his story before, but in the memoir, he fleshed it out differently. I couldn't hide from the details. They haunted me. In a way, they still do.

NO MAN COULD HAVE BEEN ANY LOWER THAN BRENNAN... JUST LIKE MY FATHER.

BRENNAN MANNING WAS AN ALCOHOLIC JUST LIKE MY... *sigh*

FATHER...

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I AM THAT GIRL...

I am the girl entangled in the paradox that a man whose writing helped change my whole being, is in effect, like the man who nearly destroyed my whole being.

HOW CAN THIS BE?

Brennan and my father, both, were imprisoned by alcohol's ruthless demands, and both have lived with the consequences of its doom.

Brennan, however, was completely humbled, broken, and transparent about his enslavement to the disease of alcoholism. He owned every failure, every filth, every sorrow, every anguish, every battle, and every set-back. Brennan's life-story is etched on the pages of his final book, and...

HE COMES CLEAN...AS CLEAN AS ANY MAN POSSIBLY COULD. 

Brennan transparently shares of the hell he was in and the hell he put others through (particularaly his ex-wife and step-daughters).

I felt every word I read, because I have lived them. I felt the anguish his loved ones experienced. I know what he did to them, because it's been done to me. I know they will never be the same, because I am not.

BUT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE WITH BRENNAN.

Brennan devoted his last published work to owning the hurt, the ugly, and the lowest of the lows. The pain of his remorse oozes from the pages.

BRENNAN OWNS EVERYTHING... 

IT'S THE DIFFERENCE WITH BRENNAN.

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I AM THAT GIRL...

I am the girl who is wracked with utter failure and brokenness herself, and the barbaric message of grace penned by a man whose life resembles that of her father has been imprinted on her soul.

Brennan knew he needed grace, and he had no where else to go, but to accept it.

I know I need grace, and Brennan, ironically, was the avenue God used to sink the message of His scandalous grace into the marrow of my soul.

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I AM THAT GIRL...

I am the girl forever changed by the message of a ragamuffin-alcoholic fully humbled, and fully surrendered to outrageous grace.

I am eternally grateful for the beauty God made from Brennan's ashes, so that I know God can make something beautiful from mine.

THANK YOU, BRENNAN...

Because of you, I get it.

ALL IS GRACE, 

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I would like to share with you one of the most meaningful things I personally believe Brennan has ever said.


"Do you believe that the God of Jesus loves you beyond worthiness and unworthiness...beyond fidelity and infidelity... that He loves you in the morning sun and in the evening rain... that He loves you when your intellect denies it, your emotions refuse it, your whole being rejects it? Do you believe that God loves without condition or reservation and loves *YOU* this moment AS YOU ARE and NOT AS YOU SHOULD BE?"


Click HERE for the link to Brennan's obituary. Our hearts are sad, but we are so glad you are home, at peace, and FREE, dear ragamuffin.

Brennan Manning's final book and memoir is entitled All is Grace... and friends, it really is. 

The Truth of Grace for Me

GRACE IS SCANDALOUS.

Rules are safe.

The further and deeper I press into His grace, the more I understand I could never earn my way.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER RULE.

Another should...

Another shouldn't...

TO REST IN HIS GRACE IS TRUE FREEDOM.

When Jesus cried out, "It is finished," He decided, too, that grace was the only way.

HIS GRACE CHANGES ME...

Transforms me...

Shapes me...

FROM THE INSIDE OUT...

NOT FROM THE OUTSIDE IN.


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"I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die." Galatians 2:21 (NLT)


"For those who insist being grace driven means moral laxity...the exact OPPOSITE is true. Morality driven by GRACE is deeper, more genuine, and simply BLOWS AWAY any morality driven by rules." (Matt Sargent)



All is grace...and it really is,

I Want to Homeschool, but... I don't Know Where to Begin

I haven't been blogging regularly here for the past few months, but I have been busy blogging daily for an online book study in another space. I have also stepped out of my comfort zone today (do I really have a comfort zone, anyway?) and I am writing about something entirely different. 

HOMESCHOOLING...

I have the great honor of guest blogging over at Cheeky Bums Blog today. Homeschooling is a topic I wouldn't normally write about in this "Upside-down Pastor's Wife" space, but it is something near and dear to my heart, nonetheless! 

If you are interested in homeschooling, or know someone who might be, would you please share this article with them? I tried to write the article I wish I would have found all those years ago when we began our homeschool journey. My prayer is that those who find it will feel a little less alone and much more informed as they step into this amazing journey. 

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I want to homeschool, but... I don't know where to begin...

I will tell you right out of the gate that we are not a "glitzy" homeschooling family. If you are looking for how to begin a creative, jaw-dropping homeschool, this particular article may not be for you. I want to help "normal" moms (like me) get a better grasp on where to really begin. 

Our homeschool isn't going to win awards for the most creative, most educational, or the best of anything, but I assure you we are not mediocre-hum-drum, either. What we do might end up on facebook, but it won't be pinned on Pinterest, and that's okay. We are down-to-earth and real, and we are a simple "nuts and bolts" homeschooling family. 

We have been on the homeschooling journey for fifteen years, since our oldest was a year old, and we have been blessed with four children ages six to sixteen.  My kids are currently in first, third, sixth, and tenth grades. I want to touch on the things that were most helpful for me when I first started homeschooling. It is my greatest hope that after you read this, you will feel like…

HOMESCHOOLING IS NO LONGER AN IMPOSSIBILITY…

BUT A POSSIBILITY for your family.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." (Lao Tzu)

To continue reading, please click HERE!

Be sure to poke around the Cheeky Bums Blog and Cheeky Bums Market while you are there. You'll find a wealth of information, encouragement, recipes, and some adorable vintage items, toys, and clothing for your kids!

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All is grace,