Twice Adopted

I'm adopted. 

This is one of the most treasured parts of my crazy-beautiful-upside-down story.  Unless you're new to my blog or me, it's no secret that my father was a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic.  My upbringing left me damaged and wounded with gaping holes that needed filled. 

When I was eighteen years old, my father exited my mom's life and mine for another woman and her small children.  On all levels, it was relief.  The abuser was gone. 

FINALLY.

When I was nineteen years old, I married my hero... my knight in shining armor... my Ironman.  I never dreamed that such a beautifully hearted man would choose broken me, but he did. 

MY LIFE HAS BEEN FOREVER CHANGED AND BLESSED BECAUSE OF HIM. 

MY MOM'S LIFE HAS BEEN FOREVER CHANGED AND BLESSED BECAUSE OF IRONMAN, TOO.

Two years into our marriage, Ironman's mom mentioned her dear cousin who was going through a bitter heart-sick divorce.  She wondered if my mom would be interested in meeting him?  I smile now because my mom, after going through hell, was perfectly content to be single for the rest of her life.  She, honestly and understandably, never wanted anything to do with another man again.  After a bit of pressuring from Ironman and me, she reluctantly agreed to meet the cousin. 

AFTER ALL, WHAT HARM COULD COME TO AN INDIANA GIRL FROM A COLORADO MAN LIVING 1,200 MILES AWAY?

I've never believed in love-at-first-sight stories until I witnessed one myself.  Colorado Man came and swept my mom off her feet with his charm, kindness, sincerity, and gentle love.  

TWO PEOPLE IN THE GREAT-SEA-OF-US-ALL FOUND EACH OTHER.

They met in April and were married the following year in September.  My mom sold her house, gave away most of her belongings except for a small car load, and moved to beautiful Colorado to rest in LOVE'S NEW HOME. 

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Four years  after their marriage, a phone call from my mom changed the course of my identity.  At the time, I was expecting our first child.  In the midst of the conversation it came up that Colorado Man wanted to, somehow, officially be my father, and a grandfather to the little one and future little ones that would join our family.  It wasn't enough that I called him "Dad" and he would be called "Grandpa."  He wanted his role to be recognized in an official capacity. 

HE WANTED ME, BROKEN ME, TO BE HIS OFFICIAL HEIR.

It was almost too much to drink in.  Colorado Man wanted to be my father... my dad.

HE WANTED ME. 

But how could this happen since I was a married adult- almost twenty-five years old?

With a little bit of research and a good lawyer, we discovered that adult adoptions were indeed legal and possible in the state of Colorado.  My mom and Colorado Man spent a year tying up legal footwork.  In the summer of 1997, we took our first vacation west with our little daughter to celebrate her first birthday with "Grammy" and "Papa Don."  During this same trip on August 6th, I officially became Colorado Man's daughter.

I WAS HIS HEIR.

I BELONGED.

I WAS CHOSEN... WANTED...LOVED.

In the twisted beauty of my story, because he is a cousin on Ironman's side of the family, my four children are actually blood related to their grandfather.  Only God could orchestrate something so sweet.  "Papa Don" is the best grandfather in the world to my kids.  He, sacrificially, gives his time and energy to them. He delights in them, and they in him. 

HE FILLS THEIR LIVES WITH LIFE, LIGHT, AND JOY.

It's beautiful to watch their relationships grow and deepen.  It is a brokenness restored to my heart.  My dad is a true gift to them and to me.

***********

SOMETIMES GIFTS HAVE DEEPER, HIDDEN TREASURES WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED.

I'll never forget the day that God whispered to me a gift of deeper understanding. 

MY DAD CHOSE ME, JUST LIKE GOD CHOSE ME.

"You didn't choose me.  I chose you."  John 15:16 (NLT)

I AM MY DAD'S HEIR, AND I AM ALSO GOD'S HEIR.

"And since we are His children, we are His heirs.  In fact, together with Christ, we are heirs of God's glory."  Romans 8:17 (NLT)

I AM PURPOSELY GRAFTED INTO MY DAD'S FAMILY TREE, AND I AM PURPOSELY GRAFTED INTO GOD'S.

"I am the vine;  you are the branches.  Those who remain in me and I in them, will produce much fruit.  For apart from me you can do nothing."  John 15:5 (NLT)

I AM WANTED, CHOSEN, DESIRED, CHERISHED, LOVED... ADOPTED... BY MY DAD, AND I AM WANTED, CHOSEN, DESIRED, CHERISHED, LOVED...ADOPTED... BY GOD.

"You received God's spirit when He adopted you as His own children.  Now we call Him, 'Abba, Father.' For His spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children."  Romans 8:15-16 (NLT)

WE ARE GOD'S CHILDREN-  HIS DAUGHTERS-  HIS SONS.

DRINK IN THE GIFT.

IT'S UNSPEAKABLY BEAUTIFUL.

Indeed!  There is no greater gift than being adopted.

I am twice adopted, and I am one grateful daughter.

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Happy Father's Day, Dads!  I honor YOU!

p.s.  The above picture is of my dad and my youngest having a ball in a bumper boat.  :)

To the Truly Broken

BROKEN.  BROKEN.  BROKEN.  BROKEN.  BROKEN.  BROKEN.

******


I know how you feel broken one.
I want you to know you are not alone.
You are not useless.
You are not an outcast.
You are worthy, desired, wanted, needed, cherished... 

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE.

YOU MATTER.

***********


Don't blame yourself.

DON'T HIDE IN THE SHADOW OF SHAME.

I know you might feel like you have done this to yourself- that your choices have turned to consequence- that you have made mistakes, and now you have to pay the price.  I can't promise you won't have pain, but in honest humility before God, your tears will turn to freedom.  In honest humility before yourself, you will begin to breathe again.  Bring the truth of YOU fully into God's light.   

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT EVEN IN THE DARK SHADOW OF FAILURE YOU ARE ENVELOPED IN HIS GRACE, DEAR ONE?

Find a way to His Light- step, crawl, run, scratch your way.  Don't worry, Fragile Flower, He will not throw stones.  He never has.  He never will.  Mercy's kiss is sweet and deep.   

MERCY'S KISS IS YOURS. 

"Oh storm-battered city, troubled and desolate!  I will rebuild you on a foundation of sapphires and make the walls of your houses from precious jewels."  Isaiah 54:11

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Don't blame God.

DON'T HIDE BEHIND YOUR WALL OF RESENTMENT.

I know you feel ripped from end to end.  I know you feel like you cannot carry one more thing.  I know you feel you don't deserve all that has happened to you- it isn't fair.  But, nonetheless, you are here.  If you are angry, tell God about it.  Be honest with Him, because He already knows your heart.  The wall you hide behind is a facade of protection. 

TRANSPARENCY WILL DEMOLISH YOUR WALL OF RESENTMENT BRICK BY BRICK.

TRUST WILL FREE YOU.

Let go.  Trust.  God is worthy of your trust.  Even if you don't understand all that is happening to you or around you, trust Him. Your brokenness abandoned allows Him to heal and bind your wounds.

Perhaps you don't feel anger or resentment?

MAYBE YOU JUST FEEL LOST, ALONE, EMPTY...

Your hurt, disappointment, affliction, insecurities, sorrow, loss, struggle, ache... surrendered to Him may not change your circumstance, but it will change your heart posture.  He wants you to be stripped away, so He can rebuild you strong.  He wants you to be stripped away so you can feel His touch, and hear His whisper.  He wants you to be stripped away so you will turn to Him and depend on Him- completely.  He wants you to be stripped away so He can blanket you in His love, and hold you in His embrace.

LOVE'S EMBRACE IS YOURS, TENDER HEART.


"Come, let us return to the Lord.  He has torn us to pieces; now He will heal us.  He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds."  (Hosea 6:1) 

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Brokenness will expose you raw and level you to soul basics.  Your heart will bleed.  Tears will fall.   You will be undone.   However and wherever you find yourself in this place, don't give up.  Hold onto hope.  Hold onto Jesus.   

BROKEN THINGS SURRENDERED BECOME BEAUTIFUL IN HIS FLOOD OF GRACE- EXQUISITELY BEAUTIFUL.


"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair."  Isaiah 61:3


BEAUTY FOR ASHES...


True depth and beauty of character can only come through embracing your broken road.  Keep seeking.  Keep trusting.  Keep praying.  He will restore you.  Dawn is just around the corner.  



"In just a short time He will restore us, so that we may live in His presence. Oh, that we might know the Lord.  Let us press on to know Him.  He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of the dawn or the coming of rains in early spring." (Hosea 6:2-3)


YES, DAWN IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER...


I know how you feel broken one.
I want you to know you are not alone.

Black-eyed Susans & Letting Go

When we moved almost 9 months ago from Michigan, I brought a small tuft of my black-eyed Susans to transplant here.  They were a gift for my 30th birthday from my grandmother.  I wanted desperately to bring the gift with me.  I carefully wrapped the roots in wet paper towels to keep them moist for the long journey ahead, and tucked them in a safe protected traveling place in my vehicle.  Through the years, I had thinned out and transplanted the glorious flowers many times.  I  even shared them with a few close friends, so they could enjoy them in their yards, as well.  I had no reason to believe that the beauty and brightness which adorned the landscape of our Michigan home for more than a decade couldn't also adorn the landscape of our Colorado home.  I envisioned that wherever I would be, some of my grandmother's black-eyed Susans would be WITH me.

After my flowers were planted, to insure their growth, I also planted many of their seeds.  I waited impatiently through the long fall and winter months for spring to come.  I couldn't wait to see if my precious plant survived and if the seeds would sprout.  I longed for them to grow and flourish HERE in this Colorado soil.

As the spring sun began to warm the ground, I grew anxious.  My middle daughter watered seeds, while I keenly watched the plant.  Long past the time new green should have poked out from the Michigan root, I sadly realized my precious black-eyed Susans had died.  My heart ached as my daughter and I realized the seeds, also, would not grow.

To me, it was yet another "thing" from Michigan I had to let go of.  Sigh.  My way-too-sensitive-sentimental-

heart hurt that my grandmother's flowers were not here with me.  It hurt that I "knew" the majority of my gift flowers were still back in Michigan bursting from the spring soil in life-filled green.  "God, all I wanted was one little grouping of them here with me.  Was it too much to ask?"  Perhaps, it was.

Letting go has become so much more than just letting go of my grandmother's flowers.  The black-eyed Susans represented some kind of strange proof to me.  Proof that we bled and almost died to save a little church... Proof that some of the people within that church truly encountered Jesus, and are authentically journeying with Him today...  

 

PROOF THAT THE PREVIOUS DECADE WAS NOT A LOSS... 

 

Proof that if the people don't remember, know, or even understand the depth of ministry that took place while we were there, I would. We would.  We WERE there.  We made some kind of a mark, some kind of a difference in a somewhat thankless town.  We gave until we had NOTHING left to give.  A tiny church was turned around, and so were people.  Why didn't the Michigan flowers grow here in this Colorado soil?  I wanted to remember.  I wanted to look at the flowers HERE and remember that we were once THERE.

The past is something you can't keep. Some things in your past build your future.  Some things in your past you have to let go.  We moved away from the only life we had ever known, and for me it has been a GIANT, heart wrenching process of letting go.

Sometimes we are forced to let go immediately, and sometimes we are given space to heal and are gradually freed.  For me, it has taken the past nine months to truly begin the process.  It may seem somewhat silly that I grieve the loss of my black-eyed Susans, but through my tears I grieve so much more. I TRUST God for the bigger-deeper picture in our souls.  I TRUST that as I faithfully plant, something NEW will burst forth in life-filled-green.  Maybe even something unexpected?  I can't worry about the past anymore.  The future of the Michigan church, and it's people are no longer my burden to carry.  I do treasure the handful of genuine, lifelong relationships that have been forged. These are unspeakable gifts given within the decade of our service.  Certainly, there are stories... stories of WHO and WHY I have become.  Stories about what has happened to me and to us. The stories are mine, and I will tell them, but the Michigan LIFE is no longer mine. That is why the flowers wouldn't grow... couldn't grow.  God knew I was hanging onto something, and he used my precious flowers to show me that I needed to let go.   

 

HE NEEDED ME TO LET GO SO I COULD BE FREE... 

 

Free for what He wants to do in and through me for the future.   

 

I SURRENDER ALL OF ME TO ALL OF HIM.  I SURRENDER TO MAKE ROOM FOR SOMETHING HOPE-FILLED AND BRAND NEW.

My 41st birthday is just around the corner.  I have already asked my sweet grandma, who knows I have grieved the loss of my special flowers, to buy me something new to plant.  I will, again, have "Grandma's flowers."

I will plant.  I will trust.  I will hope.

I BELIEVE HE WILL GROW THE FLOWERS... AND MY HEART~ NEW.

 

I will treasure the gift and the freedom.

 

Second Chance Mom

For twenty years long, she was the faithful wife of an abusive alcoholic.  For eighteen of those twenty years, she was also a mother.  My mother.  She and I, together and separately, survived.

WE BARELY SURVIVED.

My entire childhood filters through the reality of this truth.  I dreaded and despised my relationship with my father, and his abuse and control left me with mere shreds of a relationship with my mother.  She was burdened by the weight of responsibility to insure that our basic needs were provided.  She diligently worked day in and day out at a dingy little small-town factory.  Her meager hourly wage was our only source of steady income.  He never held a job, and the wages he did earn rushed through the sieve of booze, women, and other selfish desires. His anger and violence dominated our home.  There was no time, energy, or emotions left for a brown-eyed little girl.

My mother, sweet and kind, was robbed of truly being a mom.  Eighteen precious years were stolen and tainted with wounds and sorrow, struggle and heartache.  My mother was belittled and weakened, yet she still possessed quiet strength.  We both got out alive.  SOMEHOW.  Although parts of us died, we lived.  We made it through. 

GOD IS A GOD OF SECOND CHANCES.  

BECAUSE HE IS GRACE, MY MOM IS A MOM OF SECOND CHANCES, TOO.

Although time lost can never be regained, it can be redeemed.  The funny thing about second chances, is that some people ignore them.  It's up to you what to do when your second chance comes along.  But those who do take their second chance, embrace the MERCY-GIFT with wholehearted gratefulness.  Perhaps they appreciate even more in the shadow of what was lost.  Perhaps they love a little deeper, hug a little longer, and smile a little brighter because they never thought moments like these would ever return to them. 

REDEMPTION IS BEAUTIFUL.

My mom only mothered me, but she is re-living her second chance four times over with my children.  I love to watch her cuddle up to read stories, plop on the floor to build Legos, or sit at the table for hours to play games, work puzzles, or roll out Play-doh.  She goes on long walks with my teenage daughter, and every evening takes special interest in her day. 

Watching my mom's love for my children unfold before me is like viewing how my mom would have chosen to love and nurture me.  It is healing balm for my little-girl-soul, and I know it is salve to her mother-soul as well.  GRACE.  It is grace alive... living and breathing in our midst.  Grace rebuilds.  Grace restores. Grace covers.  Grace heals.

GRACE IS THE STUFF OF SECOND CHANCES.

GRACE IS THE STUFF MY SECOND CHANCE MOM IS MADE OF.

 ***********  
This piece is in honor of my mom.  Today is her birthday.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, TOO!  
I LOVE YOU! 


p.s.  The picture on this post is my "Second Chance Mom" with my two oldest daughters.  :)

Remember

River's flood angrily swells.  
Currents swiftly sweep by.
Fear trembles soul's depths, 
Even with His promise to part.

Bold trust leeches fear.
Faith steps in.

Water walls erect a passable hallway.
Sand squishes over sandals...
Over toes.

A promise fulfilled strengthens belief...
Strengthens steps...
Strengthens shoulders buckled under burdens.

Imprinted path ~ a trail forged to follow.
The bank is reached.
Waves crash sand-prints, 
As river walls fold into one.
Evidence of the journey walked swept away.

There is no looking back.  
You rest knowing you stand secure,
Across the raging river on the other side.

...and you REMEMBER.