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If you're here reading this, you know I'm back. It's been a while, five years to be exact. I've been taking some time to read over some of my blog entries since I first began sharing in 2011. Dotted along the past 14 1/2 years, those entries have marked some part of my/our journey. It's almost a little bit strange, because our lives are so different from when I first started writing. I tend to write about what I am feeling or going through at the time, and to be honest, I have no idea where this new phase of writing/sharing will head, but I am here as God leads me, even if my life is still in a little bit of no man's land. I am a little bit older now, and with some added life experience and maturity, I'm not as concerned about my writing sounding pretty or descriptive. There is a time and place for that, and it may or may not end up here in this space. It is more important to me that TRUE authenticity (not the mocked-up version for hits, likes, and followers), transparency (even when it's not pretty), humility, truth, and grace remain the top priorities in this space. I do know that one thing will be different. The REAL WRITER/COMMUNICATOR in the family (my IronMan) will also be sharing here. 😊 YAY!
I am a fairly sensitive person, and if I am completely honest, I have some reservations about doing this again. I care way too much about what people think, even if what they think is based on their own misconceptions or even their misconceptions of truth. I'm working on this, on not caring (as much). I believe it stems from a conditioned trauma response from being an abused child. Sure, if someone loves you and cares about you and comes to you with a genuine concern, that is something that I will receive with true humility, even if it's hard to hear or process. But gossipy tongue lashings, quiet slanderous whispers, and accusatory finger wagging, even from fellow believers, well, it's like my sweet grandmother always used to tell me, "Shanda, don't worry about it. GOD SEES EVERYTHING." This truth helps me to attempt to let go of what others think, but it's still hard. I shared some of my reservations about writing again with IronMan, too. Listen. We have been through hell and back a few times over. I have even caused some of that hell myself. This is me being completely transparent. I have indeed been to the "edge of me." I've wrestled with God and probably the devil a little bit, too, but IT IS THE PERSISTENCE OF GOD'S COMPASSIONATE GRACE FOR ME AS HIS CHILD THAT IS THE LIVING VICTORY IN MY LIFE, and that miracle is something to be shared. I am broken, and have also broken things. BUT GOD... and I mean that from the very soul-marrow of my being. In His great love for me, and his tremendous mercy, I am a BROKEN VICTOR. If you have decided to use my surrendered-to-God brokenness as a weapon against me, that is your choice. If you are only comfortable with a seemingly perfect Christian sharing faith things with you, then, gently, this space will not be for you, and that's okay. Bless you as you move on from here. Sincerely. The journey of authentic faith in Jesus can be a messy one, especially, when you believe that God is in and through all. FAITH CAN GET TANGLED UP WHEN HARD THINGS COME. That's why I think I/we are here...to be that voice of some possible untangling. But like I said, I am a sensitive human, and I know I have a difficult/broken past. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't have a voice or space like this at all. Others would quickly dismiss me and deem me disqualified, and maybe I would dismiss me, too! But again... God. It's about Him, and His gracious work of rebuilding from my ashes. IronMan sent me a message last week. It has given me the bravery I need to keep going. I questioned everything with him, and this is what he told me:
"YOU SHOULD WRITE. WRITE SENSITIVELY, BUT ALSO UNAFRAID. DON'T WRITE THINKING ABOUT WHAT ANYONE ELSE WILL THINK. YOUR AUDIENCE IS ALL THAT MATTERS. WRITE COURAGEOUSLY. FOR THEM."
I will try. In my broken-best. I will try.
I believe this will be the last re-introduction type post (unless IronMan wants to share a little before he begins writing here). I felt led to say some of these things out loud, and if you are still here sharing this journey with us, thank you. Perhaps we can hammer out the difficulties of faith as well as the joys... together. Peace to you until next time. ♡
Always grace,
Shanda
p.s. See that image of the cross? I posted the perfect, unobstructed picture of it on my previous post, but this one? With all the wires, the pole, the scrubby brush and even the bird on the wire, well, it seemed appropriate for this post. Faith isn't perfect, and the view might be obstructed or tangled. Sometimes you need to shift your perspective, and that perspective is the difference between the two images. A little further up the mountain, and the wires and tangles and brush were no longer in view... just the cross... and I know there is a lesson in that. A LITTLE FURTHER UP THE MOUNTAIN...
