Seasons

Today is the first day of autumn, and I am READY. 

A few weeks ago, I gathered and placed our fall decor to prepare our home for the changing season. There are familiar decorations I enjoy unboxing that I have collected for three decades from our early married years and into all the growing-up years of our children. I freshened our bedroom with a brand-new pieced quilt with calico fabrics in hues of red, orange, yellow, and brown. Outside, I removed weary annuals that were spent after a summer of showing off their beauty, and I planted fall mums in their place. In a couple of weeks, I will replant tulip and daffodil bulbs with the anticipation and hope of their beautiful blooms next spring. I love autumn. I love everything about this season from warm colors (my favorite), cerulean skies, crimson sunsets, bonfires, football, pumpkins, hayrides, fuzzy blankets, apple cider, and cozy evenings by the fireplace. Autumn is unique, because there isn't another season that really touches on all four of the seasons quite like autumn does. Summery weather lingers for days and sometimes weeks, yet autumn also ushers in the magic of winter. The spring flowers that will be enjoyed were thoughtfully planted many months prior during the early days of fall. The seeming loss and devastation of autumn is also quite unique. My grandson and I read a story today about a little fox experiencing his first autumn. The fox's tree friend was dropping leaves as the worried young fox frantically tried to collect the leaves to give back so the tree could be "fixed." As trees light up in fiery reds, glistening golds, and inferno oranges the beauty of the landscape tapestry is breathtaking, but also fleeting. As wind, other weather, and time strip deciduous trees bare, the contrast from an explosive backdrop of stunning color to stark, gray, and bleak does feel a bit devastating, but a little deeper perspective reveals the gift of autumn- permission to take necessary rest. This is the design of things, even the design of us. The little fox was obviously unable to restore the leaves to the tree. Sometimes we have to surrender and embrace what we are powerless to restore, as well. 

What season are you in? We've had some tough recent days and weeks as a country and as a human race. It's a mess around here, friends. I am willing to say, knowing how life is, that maybe you (like me) have had some difficult "closer to home" days, months, and maybe even years, too. When I say I am READY for this next season, I mean that from the soul of my being. Let the leaves drop to the ground, surrender this, (whatever THIS means to you) to the One who made us, and trust Him that there will be some sort of something to make sense of all we are trusting Him for. I don't say this lightly. I usually rebuke things that sound like platitudes, but I know as the uniqueness of fall has shadows of all the seasons, so do our lives. There is beauty in the mess and even if the heartache doesn't make sense, there might be something in another area of our lives that brings joy to balance the way of things. This is how autumn speaks to me this particular turn of the season. I am here holding fast and letting go all at the same time and praying for the trust I need to be in the center of the design of it all. Fall has always been my favorite. I will give myself permission to embrace and even celebrate all the things I love that make me feel warm and cozy in our little corner of the world, while simultaneously holding the sorrow that still needs held. God bless you with grace as you do the same. In their time, let the leaves fall. Sometimes "fixing" looks bleak and gray...but also a little bit like rest.

Always grace,

Shanda

I'm Still Here (Part Two)

If you're here reading this, you know I'm back. It's been a while, five years to be exact. I've been taking some time to read over some of my blog entries since I first began sharing in 2011. Dotted along the past 14 1/2 years, those entries have marked some part of my/our journey. It's almost a little bit strange, because our lives are so different from when I first started writing. I tend to write about what I am feeling or going through at the time, and to be honest, I have no idea where this new phase of writing/sharing will head, but I am here as God leads me, even if my life is still in a little bit of no man's land. I am a little bit older now, and with some added life experience and maturity, I'm not as concerned about my writing sounding pretty or descriptive. There is a time and place for that, and it may or may not end up here in this space. It is more important to me that TRUE authenticity (not the mocked-up version for hits, likes, and followers), transparency (even when it's not pretty), humility, truth, and grace remain the top priorities in this space. I do know that one thing will be different. The REAL WRITER/COMMUNICATOR  in the family (my IronMan) will also be sharing here. 😊 YAY!

I am a fairly sensitive person, and if I am completely honest, I have some reservations about doing this again. I care way too much about what people think, even if what they think is based on their own misconceptions or even their misconceptions of truth. I'm working on this, on not caring (as much). I believe it stems from a conditioned trauma response from being an abused child. Sure, if someone loves you and cares about you and comes to you with a genuine concern, that is something that I will receive with true humility, even if it's hard to hear or process. But gossipy tongue lashings, quiet slanderous whispers, and accusatory finger wagging, even from fellow believers, well, it's like my sweet grandmother always used to tell me, "Shanda, don't worry about it. GOD SEES EVERYTHING." This truth helps me to attempt to let go of what others think, but it's still hard. I shared some of my reservations about writing again with IronMan, too. Listen. We have been through hell and back a few times over. I have even caused some of that hell myself. This is me being completely transparent. I have indeed been to the "edge of me." I've wrestled with God and probably the devil a little bit, too, but IT IS THE PERSISTENCE OF GOD'S COMPASSIONATE GRACE FOR ME AS HIS CHILD THAT IS THE LIVING VICTORY IN MY LIFE, and that miracle is something to be shared. I am broken, and have also broken things. BUT GOD... and I mean that from the very soul-marrow of my being. In His great love for me, and his tremendous mercy, I am a BROKEN VICTOR. If you have decided to use my surrendered-to-God brokenness as a weapon against me, that is your choice. If you are only comfortable with a seemingly perfect Christian sharing faith things with you, then, gently, this space will not be for you, and that's okay. Bless you as you move on from here. Sincerely. The journey of authentic faith in Jesus can be a messy one, especially, when you believe that God is in and through all. FAITH CAN GET TANGLED UP WHEN HARD THINGS COME. That's why I think I/we are here...to be that voice of some possible untangling. But like I said, I am a sensitive human, and I know I have a difficult/broken past. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't have a voice or space like this at all. Others would quickly dismiss me and deem me disqualified, and maybe I would dismiss me, too! But again... God. It's about Him, and His gracious work of rebuilding from my ashes. IronMan sent me a message last week. It has given me the bravery I need to keep going. I questioned everything with him, and this is what he told me:

"YOU SHOULD WRITE. WRITE SENSITIVELY, BUT ALSO UNAFRAID. DON'T WRITE THINKING ABOUT WHAT ANYONE ELSE WILL THINK. YOUR AUDIENCE IS ALL THAT MATTERS. WRITE COURAGEOUSLY. FOR THEM."

I will try. In my broken-best. I will try.

I believe this will be the last re-introduction type post (unless IronMan wants to share a little before he begins writing here). I felt led to say some of these things out loud, and if you are still here sharing this journey with us, thank you. Perhaps we can hammer out the difficulties of faith as well as the joys... together. Peace to you until next time. ♡

Always grace,

Shanda

p.s. See that image of the cross? I posted the perfect, unobstructed picture of it on my previous post, but this one? With all the wires, the pole, the scrubby brush and even the bird on the wire, well, it seemed appropriate for this post. Faith isn't perfect, and the view might be obstructed or tangled. Sometimes you need to shift your perspective, and that perspective is the difference between the two images. A little further up the mountain, and the wires and tangles and brush were no longer in view... just the cross... and I know there is a lesson in that. A LITTLE FURTHER UP THE MOUNTAIN...

I'm Still Here!

Several months ago, I came across a Pinterest post where someone had shared a link to my blog. There were a couple of comments underneath it, but the one that stuck with me said, "Why isn't she writing anymore?" IT HAS BEEN FIVE YEARS since my last post (gasp- five years). There is only one appropriate answer to the question posed on Pinterest. In short, the reason I wasn't writing anymore is "life." If you know me personally, or you have followed my humble ramblings, you know our journey has not been an easy one. The last few posts I shared were about kicking, scratching, and clawing my way to keeping faith, and to be honest, I felt like I ripped open my heart and bled for people that might have been questioning God's faithfulness just like I was. I always want others to know if they are struggling, they are not alone. I believe following Jesus can be messy and hard, and it seems like churches (or Christians) across the board aren't honest about the impact grief, pain, and suffering have on faith, especially if that suffering is continual, or the loss is tremendous. After those last few posts, life really didn't quit, and to be honest, I felt like it was a time to be quiet, so I was. Has life stopped shooting arrows at us now? No. We are currently going through some things as a family that nearly derailed me/us entirely. But even so, I feel like the words might be stirring again. That tells me that some measure of healing and growth has occurred within the years of space of being mostly "still." Faith, trust, and belief can be fragile at times, but I know I AM STILL HERE because God has held onto me, and maybe that is something to write about. 

My blog has never (and will never) be a space for any kind of agenda or promotion. I have restricted my own social media and currently only have a pathetically small Instagram account, so when this very post I am writing here today goes "live," I expect about three people will see it, and one of those will be my husband. 😉 From my very first post in 2011 to now, my heart has always been towards this humble space that those who find it were meant to, whether it's two people or two-thousand people. Each person matters, and I am definitely not about the numbers. I plan to share when I feel led/stirred, and this is just a quick and humble re-introduction to let you know...

I AM STILL HERE! 

More life and faith ramblings are coming soon. Thank you for being here. ❤️

Always grace,

Shanda