God is Not Faithful... One Year Later

Just over a year ago, I wrote the single most difficult piece I have been brave enough to publicly share to date. You can read that piece HERE. I challenged the faithfulness of God based on my personal experience and wrestled out loud. FIERCELY. I didn't give answers and there was no easy resolve. There still isn't. I expected a few ripples among those I called friends, and I did, indeed, feel misunderstood by a few I deeply loved and respected. I assumed they reciprocated that same respect and our relationship could afford me wrestling with this. It was almost as if I had gravely sinned, perhaps not by wrestling, but for saying so out loud. Maybe they worried that I might damage others' perception of God or tarnish God's reputation? I also believe there is a sense of fear in some Christians based on the awe of a holy God, and me questioning God's faithfulness was going against that holiness in their minds. To them, I was flat out irreverent. It was easier and tidier to dismiss me altogether rather than consider life-circumstances of how I came to question God's faithfulness. However, I KNEW I was not alone on my spiritual journey. Others also experience gaping questions about God, and few writers/speakers/leaders seem to share from the perspective of fighting to keep faith when you feel abandoned by God. My entire post was about me FIGHTING. There are many who walk away from faith, and I found more understanding with my questions in those particular circles than I found in Christian circles. That is why sharing this was important to me. I want to be, albeit small, a voice to others that struggle. I am not one to let the disillusioned feel alone, so I wrote my heart in hopes of giving someone else a small, humble gift of knowing they were/are not alone in grim, confusing, or heart-rending circumstances. 

Since a year has passed, I want to be 100% clear that I am not going to apologize for my previous piece. I stand by every single word. It was an honest and humble gift of transparency that I shared to reach out to fellow strugglers. In turn, several people who were also fighting for faith and peace in the midst of no answers and utter silence from God reached out to me and inspired me. Life is a journey for each of us, and no two life-journeys are the same. No two faith-journeys are the same. We need to pause our thoughts and stop judging one another. PLEASE STOP. End the categorizing of people as more or less spiritual or wise. Leave room and be open that all of us who are AUTHENTICALLY WALKING WITH GOD are learning different and valuable things. This is something that I am learning, too. Wisdom will listen. Wisdom will pause. Wisdom will glean. Wisdom will respond in grace. You are not necessarily a more mature Christian if you have not questioned God at this level. Deep faith wrestles with circumstance and still finds a way to rise from the rubble to say I still believe. 

The church as a whole has done a deplorable job in the area of grief. It is an almost unspoken expectation for Christians to swallow what has been thrown at them and give glory to God. IMMEDIATELY SURRENDERING TO GOD WITHOUT PROCESSING YOUR SUFFERING IS MORE LIKE ABUSE THAN FAITH. When tragedy pulverizes you, it's okay to be honest about your anguish. When you have been entwined with long-term suffering, it's okay to question. Being forthright doesn't mean you aren't trusting God. Faith that is painfully pounded and chiseled away to almost nothing at all is stronger than faith that has never been challenged. Challenged faith to the untrained heart looks battered, mangled, worn, and ugly. Unchallenged faith to the untrained heart looks polished, desirable, and perfect. The truth is, unchallenged faith will likely not withstand a violent disturbance of life because the faith-roots are not deep. Please also consider that the pastors, teachers, and leaders you allow to speak into your life might need to look a touch less flawless. Those who are leading you need to experientially understand suffering. Jesus did. Authenticity itself has become a trend because people are starving for it. There are leaders that have finessed the jargon of authenticity to grow their congregations and ministries. The outside looks perfect, but the roots are weak. Counterfeit authenticity damages people who are truly grieving. Counterfeit authenticity eventually isolates suffering people and heaps shame on their struggle if not handled according to unspoken timelines. 

So how will I respond to my personal questioning of God's faithfulness today? I have learned a few things over the past year(s):

1. God time is slow... slow... slow... time.

2. When you don't feel like you can hold onto faith, sometimes you find out faith is holding onto you.

3. I still believe. Deeply. I have imagined myself walking away from God and what that would look like. I just can't do it. 

4. I understand why people walk away from God or never believe in the first place. I truly do. I likely won't have the same understanding from most unbelievers, but that's okay. Sadly, it seems like it's a shorter trip to unbelief than to belief. Christianity is staked on the promise that in this world we will have trouble. It's hard to sign up for that, but I can't help myself. I have experienced enough of God in my forty-eight years to know that I can't walk away. 

5. There will NEVER be answers for tragic suffering this side of heaven. EVER.

6. God is responsible for His own reputation. God is responsible for his own reputation. One more time. GOD IS RESPONSIBLE... FOR HIS ...OWN... REPUTATION.

7. I do have an awe and reverence for God. This truth has helped me find some shards of peace and carried me through years of hard circumstances. I am small in a very big world. He is God. I am not. I cannot see His purpose yet. Maybe I never will. Some days are more difficult than others, but see number three. 

8. God can handle my honesty with Him. In fact, I believe He wants it fully.

9. I have found that those who have suffered the most also help the most, because they truly understand. This world needs more compassion, and the truest compassion is always found in the shadows of suffering. (I am immensely grateful to those who have helped me, and helped my family in the last year.)

10. I trust God. It sometimes takes me a while to get to the place where I can say it out loud, but I eventually get there. Sometimes things don't make sense, but it isn't my job to make sense of everything. 

11. God is faithful. However, I fully believe that our western culture has devised their own ideas about what God's faithfulness looks like. God is not a genie God waiting to grant requests. Faithfulness does not mean cultural abundance or affluence. Faithfulness does not mean perfect health and a life without tragedy. God's faithfulness means that HE HOLDS ONTO ME when I feel like I can't hold onto Him. Faithfulness means that He teaches me even when He is painfully silent. Faithfulness means that I am still here and I still believe. Faithfulness means there is hope in the midst of grim circumstances. Faithfulness means there is true redemption and soul-restoration for my broken humanity... and yours.