Fighting for Faith in God's Silence

It's been a month since my last blog post, and a month since I've truly interacted on social media (with a few exceptions). I wanted to take a few minutes to update you, and give you a tiny peek at a ragamuffin girl hammering out her faith. If you missed my previous post, you can catch up by clicking HERE, but I can quickly bottom line it for you by saying I am in a head-on faith crisis. I've struggled with doubt a few other times in my life, but I have only been down in the trenches... like this... one other time. To be transparent, I didn't handle that time well. It was an ugly, hell-hard time. I decided to "fix" my own life apart from God (this is not a platitude of false humility, trust me), and the end result was utter destruction. The worst part was that answers were in place just up ahead that I couldn't see. Help was coming. But I was at the brink, and I fell off the precipice head first. It was too late, and the answers no longer mattered. This time, I am jaw-set-determined to apply the lessons I learned then to this new crisis, but let me tell you, the "new" thing in this current crisis has me nearly leveled. 

GOD'S SILENCE. 

My personal burden is forty-seven years deep with compounded grief upon grief. I live daily in the consequence and trauma of physical and emotional abuse, unanswered questions, the haunting of my own broken-girl self (probably the result of years of harm done to me in my formative years), shame, tragedy, betrayal, and over two decades of damage done to me and my family within the church (stories for another day). I'm not sure why the immediate crisis unearths all of that old, worn-out pain and makes it new, but sometimes that's the way of it. Shadows stretch long at the end of the day, much bigger than we are or will ever be, and sometimes shadows stretch long across life. That's how I have been feeling lately, stuck in the shadows. The only encouragement I can glean is that in order for there to be shadows... 

THERE MUST BE LIGHT. 

I know things could be worse. I do get that. There are gifts in my life, tremendous gifts. But it doesn't change the fact that it's hard and dark right now, and prayers seem to avail only one thing, silence. I want to note that the only time I view myself as being a victim was when severe damage was being done to me as a child, but I don't live under the blanket of victimization. I am broken and scarred, but I stand as a responsible woman for being who I am in all of the grit and bits of glory. If you are dwelling in the shadows like me, or if you are in complete darkness, there are a few things I would like to share with you. I don't pretend to have answers that I don't have, because the more I learn, the less I know. That's the truth. But I feel that since I have lived this faith crisis out loud without holding back then maybe I need to live some of the fighting I am doing for faith out loud, too.

Your journey with God is your journey with Him. No one else on the planet can live that for you. I am not going to tell you how to fight if you are in a faith crisis or are struggling with doubt, but I am going to tell you to fight and not give up. Some people have a tendency to flee or dump God all together. I get that. In some ways, maybe that would feel easier. I would probably divorce God if I knew how, but I don't know how to shift from belief to unbelief. Even in this present darkness, I have still experienced undeniable touches from God across my journey. I can't dismiss that. I guess giving God up isn't really an option no matter how unfaithful it seems He has been, no matter if He has left us here abandoned and my family unprotected, no matter what He puts us through or allows us to be put through, no matter how crazy-making or insane it feels. I don't know how to jump ship from God... and I don't want to.

WHAT I DO WANT IS FOR HIM TO SHOW UP IN THIS DARKNESS AND OBLITERATE THE SHADOWS WITH HIS LIGHT.

In crisis, many people stop praying. Many people stop seeking. I understand, now more than ever, how that can happen. Sometimes, God doesn't make sense. Sometimes, it feels like God doesn't give a blasted care at all. Sometimes, you have nothing left to even utter one word in prayer. I don't blame anyone for answering God's silence with their own. In a way, maybe it feels like a spiteful reaction to God? You are basically saying that if God won't talk to you, then you won't talk to God; if He really cared about you, your silence might somehow prod his father-like heart and it will get His attention. Maybe your silence will wake God up? I know how hard it is to live with a broken heart, unanswered prayers, and unhealed wounds. Please try hard not to stop praying. I am at a crossroads of faith. It is a crucial, serious time for me and I know it. My IronMan would say keep climbing the mountain no matter how hard it gets. One step at a time, keep climbing and keep trusting. What that looks like for you might look differently from what that looks like for me, but at this soul-crossroads, I know I have to be all-in. I have to know in my whole being that I have pressed hard against God's silence, so that if He doesn't speak or lead or move or answer on our behalf, it isn't because I didn't ask or plead or lay it at His feet. 

In my broken-best, I pray unceasingly. I am looking to God and waiting for Him to make Himself known in our circumstances. I have cried tears of sorrow from the depths of my diaphragm until my sides ached and I have collapsed on the floor. I have nearly pulled my hair out from the roots, desperate anguish turned into scream-prayers, because there was nowhere else for the emotion to go. I have prayed and pleaded with God for His mercy to move on our behalf, to let us know He is here with us, that we are not alone, and He hasn't truly abandoned us. Sometimes, I don't have words and I just pray under my breath or in my heart, "Lord, have mercy on us. Please have mercy." Sometimes, all I can get out is, "Help." There was a time in my life that I would have believed in my soul-bones that if a child of God called out "Help" in true dependence on Him that He wouldn't be able to resist that heart, and an answer or a touch would come. Even if it wasn't exactly what was expected or asked, it would be known that God was present. I pray unceasingly, unswervingly, honestly, imperfectly, but I pray. I fall asleep praying and wake up praying. I will not let the verse haunt me that we don't have because we didn't ask. 

I have been reading as many things as I can get my hands on about grief, hardship, trials, difficulty, God's faithfulness, darkness, sorrow, and pain in search of encouragement. Please, please hear me. At least 90% of the writers I have come across associate some form of personal trials with your own personal failures. If you need that reprimand or jolt to get you back on track, that's understandable, but it has been little help to me trying to make sense of what God is and has been doing in my life and my family's life. What the majority of authors leave out is pain for the sheer sake of pain. Brokenness for the sheer sake of brokenness. Yes, you can be in pain and have done absolutely nothing yourself to cause or invite that pain. Yes, you can be suffering, and your suffering might not be a consequence of a specific action. I was shocked and taken aback that there wasn't more encouragement for those journeying with Jesus in the accompaniment of suffering. Jesus himself said, "In this world you will have trouble." Why do we tend to ignore this? It is our own humanity that we assume personal suffering must have a personal action or inaction related to it. Somehow, this must be my fault, right? Hear me. It isn't always so, dear ones. It isn't always so. I actually had to give myself permission to stop reading a few books and blogs for now. After we are through this, I might be able to return to those things, but it isn't for this season, and it's okay. 

This time in my life has made me feel extremely isolated, and the decision to step back from social media has, undoubtedly, intensified that feeling. However, that feeling of isolation has caused me to press in even deeper to finding evidence of God somewhere in the midst of our everyday and in the midst of our need. Honestly, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING BUT GOD. It is Him alone that I/we need to hear from. It is the only way we can be sure to remove human influence, and He is the only one that truly knows our hearts and the intricacies of our circumstances. I read my Bible every single day. Every. Single. Day. Searching, hoping, seeking. I usually try to read until something applies or I can relate to it. Some days it is like trudging through sludge, but some days there is a nugget or truth that keeps me hanging on. 

A CONNECTION TO THE "WORD" IS NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.

Yes, reading the Bible brings truth, encouragement, knowledge, wisdom, and sometimes discipline, but reading the Bible is not your God-connection. It shows you HOW to have a God-connection just like David, Paul, Peter, Jeremiah, Elijah, Mary Magdalene, Anna, Martha and countless others. I need a real God-connection. My family needs a real-God connection. We need action and protection on our behalf, and if what we are praying for doesn't happen, then we need God to come in either the "whisper" or the "wind" and let us know He is with us and somehow, some way, it's going to be okay.  

The lesson I learned the very hard way through my prior deeper-than-deep faith crisis many years ago is that the answer might be just around the corner. I want desperately to BELIEVE that is true. I do feel close to the brink, but I am holding fast and waiting.

WE NEED GOD'S LIGHT. 

WE NEED GOD'S PROTECTION. 

WE NEED GOD'S ACTION. 

WE NEED GOD'S MERCY.




I am longing to feel His tenderness wash over me like waves gently sweeping across the sandy beach. I am here still believing even if I don't "feel" it, and I want to encourage you not to give up, either. There will be no attempted explanations or platitudes from me for the hard you are experiencing. Hopefully, just encouragement for you to know there is someone else who hasn't given up. Just. Like. You.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it." (John 1:5 NLT)