I've tried to write here innumerable times, but this place I'm in seems to be almost wordless.
I strive to share my heart as transparently as I can, and I got to thinking that maybe I SHOULD write from this desert place...this struggle place... this doubt place... this achy place...
Yes, maybe I should write from this being MAD AT THE WORLD place...
As a Jesus follower, it can sometimes feel like sin to feel joyless, and sacrilegious to feel doubt. It feels like defeat when you struggle and ache. Other Christians may even say and do things to make you feel as if you are failing for feeling that way. Yet, how can you help how you feel? How can you lift the blanket of darkness that covers? I make every effort to tell the truth here in this tiny corner of the blogosphere. I think it's valuable for my readers to know that I don't seek to fabricate an image. All I can do is be me. All I can do is be transparent.
RIGHT NOW, I'M MAD AT THE WORLD.
IT'S HONEST.
IT'S RAW.
IT'S REAL.
I might not be mad at the world tomorrow or the next day, or next month... but today I am. Yesterday I was. Last week I was. Last month I was, and instead of the anger and frustration lifting, it feels like the deeper I process it, the more difficult it becomes to let go of it and keep walking forward.
When faith and doubt war at each other like two outlaws gunning it out at high noon on a ghost town street, let's not give up in the middle of the battle even when it feels like it might be easier to run. Okay? I'm going to stand my ground, as fragile as it may seem, and keep TRUSTING. I'm not going to let doubt shoot me in the back while I run away in fear. I'm here telling you this today, because I want you to know that if it's hard right now, you are not alone.
It's fragile for a faith blogger to say she doesn't have very much faith right now, but I'm hanging on by a thin, thin thread, and I hope if you are struggling, you'll hang on, too.
I'M MAD AT THE WORLD...
And right now, it's okay.
YOU MIGHT BE MAD AT THE WORLD...
And that's okay, too.
KEEP HANGING IN THERE.
KEEP TRUSTING.
It's okay to be in a hard place, a desert place, a sorrowful place, an ugly place. You are not alone, and with the fragments of faith that I can muster right now, and the tiny bits of faith that GOD stirs in me, I believe that the answer, the hope, the breath of fresh air, the life, the healing we are waiting for...
IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
LET'S NOT GIVE UP TRUSTING.
LET'S HOLD FAST.
I KNOW I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE ANSWER. DO YOU?
***********
"These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-- though your faith is far more precious that mere gold..." (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)
All is grace...always grace,
p.s. I do want to interject this small thought about the wordless places we can sometimes be. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. Sometimes there truly are no words. Sometimes it can do more damage by forcing yourself to say things out loud before the layers are truly ready to be peeled back. Be kind to yourself. Let God's grace be kind to you, too. Peace, friends...
