Right out of the gate, I want to disclose that this won't be a "normal" blog post. This is just little-old-ragamuffin-me sharing some things that are stirring in my heart. This might not be one of my more meaningful posts for you, my reader, but sometimes those who tell their story with words need to write for themselves... possibly for a measure of deeper healing.
THIS ONE IS FOR ME.
From my very first blog post, I have promised to be honest and transparent as I share my heart. I will not sanitize my thoughts or story, and I will always strive to be as real as I can. I continue to keep that promise, and if the day comes where I can't, I will stop writing.
I noticed that my blog received 10% of its entire views in just the last month. I am EXTREMELY grateful and humbled, truly, but gratefulness will not be my point in this particular piece. However, I do thank YOU for faithfully following me and for faithfully reading. I couldn't do this without you.
For bloggers and writers, each piece that is shared "costs" something. It costs a part of yourself to release parts of your story in the form of words for others to read, think about, soak in, and possibly *sigh* judge or criticize. For the writers in particular that share raw parts of their own story (read ME), there is a certain amount of vulnerability in sharing the depths of your heart and the aches of your soul. The last piece I posted, I re-lived. I could scarcely proofread it without bursting into tears. There's always more story than what translates into words. You re-live to write, and it's sacrificial to go "back there."
Perhaps the increased traffic on my blog in the past month has something to do with that raw-gut-level-honesty. I believe people resonate with someone willing to share the ugly of their own story to help create a safe place for them to heal and wrestle with theirs. One of the reasons I write is so others will know they are NOT ALONE.
I am far from perfect. I have made, and will continue to make mistakes. I am human. In humility, I have tried to own my failures. I know my platform is a tiny one, but I take the responsibility very seriously. I try, if I am wrong or have wronged someone, to "own" my part as honestly as I can. I cannot, however, be responsible for FABRICATED accusations or CONTRIVED hurts. In grace, I have also tried to appropriately stand up for myself when criticisms have come. It is, perhaps, grace that can sometimes be the most costly of all, but grace gives you peace of mind so you can walk away knowing you didn't "play along" with the attempted destruction that was sent to tear you down.
All of this has gotten this grace-girl thinking a lot about boundaries lately.
GRACE DOES NOT MEAN WITHOUT BOUNDARIES.
Boundaries are healthy barriers you establish to protect yourself. Grace does not mean you have to be a doormat for another to spew their venom and walk away. Grace does not mean you have to be silent. I have done a poor job of establishing boundaries my entire life. I may fail as I attempt it now, but I feel this is my space. It is a little bit of "home" for me, and it's time I take a few simple steps to protect it.
I WILL NOT allow someone to make me feel like the story of my growing up years is invalid, and that I have no right to feel or be broken. I suffered at the hands of a physically and mentally abusive alcoholic for the fragile and formative years of my life until I was eighteen-years-old. I am forever damaged because of it. I will always be broken, and feel un-whole on some level. I am here to share my story so others will know they have a safe place with me. I am here to share my story for the men and women who also feel broken and un-whole. I will NOT make light of my story, because THERE IS NO LIGHT. It is insensitive, cowardly, and immature to criticize another when they have bled their story selflessly for the possible healing and connection of others. In my humble opinion, you have trampled on something just a little bit holy, because the TRUTH of someone's story is a sacred thing.
If you are struggling with shame, remorse, or regret (trust me, I have been there), it's so much easier to be in denial and cast blame on someone else to help ease your pain. The ONLY way you will find peace, again, is if you, first, look long and hard into the mirror with brutal honesty. Do the work there, down in the grit deep within yourself, and then (and only then), in true humility can you move forward and focus on real healing.
From here on out, I will be moderating all of the comments that come through my blog. I apologize, because I know this is a hassle for those of you who leave comments here instead of on facebook. I, simply, have to protect this space, and I thank you for your patience and grace ahead of time. This is "home" for me, and it's time to keep "home" a safe place, not only for my readers, but for me, too.
Thank you for bearing with me. Again, I realize this is not a "normal" post, but sometimes circumstance deems a response, and it is healing, indeed, for me to stand up for ME just a little bit.
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*THIS* is why I do what I do...
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
YOU HAVE A SAFE PLACE WITH YOUR *OWN* STORY!
MAY YOU ALWAYS FIND A BIT OF GRACE EACH TIME YOU LEAVE THIS SPACE... THAT IS MY HUMBLE PRAYER...
"It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are . . . because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier . . . for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own . . . ” (Frederick Buechner)
ALL IS GRACE,
