I recently discovered that someone found my blog by searching for the key words, "I don't want to be a pastor's wife anymore."
My heart filled with sorrow.
I know these feelings all too well. The burden is great, and not many understand. I did a quick google search myself using the same key words. I wanted to know if this person, and others who have searched with a similar question, found the help they were looking for. The few places my search led me were discouraging. One of the blogs I found basically said that it's a gift to be a pastor's wife, you should put on your big girl panties, and stop thinking about giving up on your ministry. Really?
WELL, I'M THE UPSIDE-DOWN ONE, YET AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
Sometimes (not all the time), you need to step away from ministry before it kills you, and before it kills your family. Sometimes (not all the time), being a pastor's wife really sucks. (Yes! I said sucks. Don't send hate mail.)
Another one of the pastor's wife blogs I happened upon said she learned from another pastor's wife to put up walls, so when you move away from the church, it hurts less to leave the people. She and her husband have been in ministry for just seven years and they have moved to four different churches in those seven years. Hmmmm... I wonder if it's because of those walls she's putting up? You cannot connect with people on a deep level and truly love and lead them spiritually if you have walls. It's the nature of the true call. Again, this sucks.
Boundaries are much different than walls. We learned the hard way that we didn't have the boundaries in place to protect our family. It can be tricky to navigate boundaries, but you have to have them. Period. If my experience, and our family's experience, can help just one more family, then it's worth it to me to shout the truth from the rooftops.
THIS POST IS GOING TO BE ME SHOUTING! OKAY?
I wish I had a way to send a note of encouragement to this pastor's wife, who most certainly is at the end of herself. Since I don't have a way of knowing who she is or how to contact her, I am going to write a letter to her here, and to all who might stumble upon this space that need to know they are not alone. Please note that my email information is on my blog for a reason (under the "Welcome"). If you need someone to talk to or someone with whom to share your story, I humbly offer myself as a help and listening ear.
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Dearest one,
I know your road is difficult. I know you feel alone. I know you don't think anyone else understands what you are going through. Well, I may not understand exactly, but I know a little bit about what it feels like to be laid out, used up, spent, and operating from a well that has been beyond dry for the sake of others, the ministry, and God.
I don't know why it is, but within the church there are spoken and silent expectations of a pastor's wife. Over the years you may have cleaned toilets, baked casseroles, sung on the worship team, played an instrument, written, printed, and folded bulletins, changed diapers, wiped noses, taught Sunday School, organized children's church, painted fences, painted faces, and painted walls, headed up the Christmas program, taught the children's choir, decorated bulletin boards, washed windows, vacuumed carpets, organized the prayer team, headed up a toy drive, managed the church's finances (that was a fun one), planted flowers, shoveled snow, baked cookies for visitors and shut-ins, picked curriculum, taught mid-week service (I'm still recovering from that), stuck up for your husband, defended your children, fielded complaints, and when the nursery worker didn't show you filled in, when the Sunday School teacher didn't show you taught, when the Children's church teacher left the church you took over...the list could go on and on. These are all responsibilities WITHIN the church.
OUTSIDE of church, relationship building is expected. People are demanding, inconsiderate, and selfish when it comes to pastors and their families. They, sometimes, feel an entitlement to you and your time. It's your job, right? The church pays your husband, so you and your husband need to be available 24/7 to meet any and every need or
WANT they may have. I am going to interject here that there are true needs and emergencies that should
NEVER be overlooked. I am confident you will know what those needs are and when and how to meet them. However, I know from experience, people within the church have expectations for you, and if you don't meet them, you may begin to feel fear that they may not be happy, and they may *gasp* leave the church. If they leave the church, then there might not be enough in the offering plate on Sunday to feed your family. Most churches, whether they will admit it or not, also believe they are getting
TWO people for
ONE salary (sometimes a meager salary at that). That is a ton of pressure on you, dear one. This juggling act between church, supporting your husband, caring for your children (if you are a mom), and the needs of your family can be crippling. Sometimes, you
HAVE to take a break. I told you that I would tell you the truth, and I am going to do just that. If it ruffles feathers, I don't care.
The church is
NOT going to step up and give you the space you need for a break (whether that break is permanent or temporary). It is
YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to say "no" to some things or all of the things you are doing. It is
YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to help your husband understand that you are at the end of your rope and you
NEED SPACE. If you become burned out, and you don't get to a space where you can breathe, you will eventually be
NO GOOD to anyone... not your husband, not your kids, not the church, and not yourself. I want to remind you that your primary responsibility is to be a wife and a mom.
You may think you are the only one that can do a quality job at some of the things for which you are responsible at church. You know what? You need to let go. If you
CANNOT do it, then someone else will step up to the plate. If it doesn't mean enough to someone else to step up, then maybe that particular ministry didn't mean enough to those in your church anyway?
LET IT GO. If you are worried that someone else will step up, but they won't run things like you would,
LET THAT GO, TOO. When did things need to be perfect? I said "no" to things way too late. I thought I could just keep throwing things on my back and carrying them. I completely broke, and then I was no good to
ANYONE for a year, literally. I did
NOTHING for a year. I battled fierce
DEPRESSION and
DARKNESS. What I was going through possibly could have been prevented. A few beautiful women stepped up and took over my areas of children's ministry, which has long been my heart's passion. You know what happened? Those women brought a different flavor and heart when they taught the kids. They did a far better job than I ever could have. Their passion to teach brought life to those areas of our church. It was
BEST that I stepped away. You are not the only capable person in your church, and someone who might be gifted isn't serving because you are doing everything and they think they are not needed. Step away. It's really okay.
REMEMBER: YOUR PRIMARY MINISTRY IS TO YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR CHILDREN.
IF YOU DON'T DO ANOTHER SINGLE THING BESIDES CARING FOR YOUR FAMILY, YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH.
ENOUGH.
If people get angry because you are stepping away or establishing boundaries (again, for a season or permanently... you don't have to decide that now), let them get angry. If they leave the church, let them. I don't care how deep their pockets are or how much they support the church financially. How can you truly minister to people that don't care about you or your family, anyway? How is it a true community when there is a cycle of manipulation no matter the cost to you and your family? When did church become about all of this? I think that last question might be another letter for another time.
TAKE CARE OF YOU.
You are GOD'S daughter. He doesn't want things to be like this for you. It's possible that your family may need to consider stepping away from ministry for a break. You need to pray about it. Only God can direct you, but you may need to ask HIM some very hard questions. You may need to ask each other some very hard questions. I don't know your particular situation, but I know there are churches out there that take advantage of the pastor's family. There may be prominent families within your church that are manipulating and abusing your family (directly or indirectly). Some may be manipulating and abusing your husband? Or your kids? Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions.
NO CHURCH IS WORTH THE COST OF YOUR FAMILY.
PERIOD.
I'm going to
SHOUT that again.
NO CHURCH!!!
IS WORTH THE COST OF YOUR FAMILY.
With all of the hard things said,
IT IS AN HONOR to be called by God to serve others. It truly is.
BUT the truth is, that call comes with a heavy burden. If pastors' families are gloaty and giddy about being a ministry family, and they don't feel that deep burden, then I question if they are
truly called. If they don't get down in the grit and mess with people like Jesus did, then they aren't really ministering. It's not about platform and glory. To so many, it seems like it is, and that's heart breaking. There will be hard times in
REAL ministry, but there will be beautiful times, as well. You will meet some impossible people, but you will also meet some kindred souls along the way that you couldn't imagine your life without. A church with kindred souls will support you if you need a break, no matter how long of a break you need. If you don't feel you have kindred souls among you, take the break anyway.
It is time to rest, dear one.
REST.
From one pastor's wife's heart to another...
Bless you.
All is grace,
