Your Kiss Will Come

We all have soul aches. Some are deeper than others,


and they happen for different reasons. Lately, my soul has been aching.  It's been a silent ache, because I haven't shared with anyone what's really been going on in the deep. However, there is ONE who ALWAYS knows... 

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Ministry can be hard on a family. It's, honestly, been brutal on ours. One of the difficulties in ministry is that you never really have a place to put roots down. Our family has made six major moves in the past twenty years, staying usually two to five years each place. We may be naive, because... 

WE KNOW ROOTS ARE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE IN MINISTRY

...but somehow, each position we have ever been called to we have fully committed our hearts.  

HEART ROOTS.

We assumed each position would be our last. Naive or not, I'm not really sure there is any other way to truly minister to the people in your care if you don't have some sense of permanence or commitment to them. A pastor and his family *NEEDS* to care this deeply about the people entrusted to them. A pastor *SHOULD* care this deeply about the church he's called to lead. So each place we served, we fully jumped in. After the emotional roller-coaster of hurts and letting go of the first four moves, the fifth church we served we were bound and determined not to jump so fully in when we arrived. Despite our efforts to keep our hearts from getting entangled, it didn't work. There was no way for us to keep our hearts out of what we were doing.  

WHEN YOU "DO LIFE" TOGETHER WITH AN INTIMATE GROUP OF PEOPLE, YOU GET ATTACHED.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

That group of people becomes your family, and for more than a decade, they were. It was the longest we have ever lived anywhere in the almost twenty-two years of our married lives. To our children, Michigan was the only home they had ever known. We, without a doubt, had...  

HEART ROOTS.

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Fifteen months ago GOD CALLED US on. He called us away to rest, but also to a different future. Leaving Michigan was one of the biggest faith steps we have taken. Ever. To leave people we deeply loved, and who deeply loved us was painful. Our HEART ROOTS ripped and tore and bled. To shift from in-the-flesh-let's-hang-out-for-coffee-let-me-give-you-a-great-big-hug relationships to I'll-call-you-text-you-facebook-you-pray-for-you-from-a-distance-no-hugs-ever relationships has filled me with sorrow for more than a year. My heart aches. I miss, and miss deeply. I miss those who have become our family. I miss people. I miss purpose. I miss community. Some days I get lost in the ache.

HOW DO YOU TRUST IN THE ACHE?

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A few months ago, WAVES OF HOPE washed over us. We felt God stir our hearts, and we heard Him clearly call. He told us that it was time to be about HIS business, again. He asked us to form a tiny community with the only families we know here in Colorado. Three little families. We were thrilled, excited, overjoyed...  

WE WERE DREAMING GOD'S DREAMS FOR US.

I wasn't sure we would ever have that opportunity again. We have been so battered by life over the past twenty years, the ability to dream was somewhat miraculous- it was a marked touch from Him. We were beginning to believe, hope, and feel joyfully excited about the possibilities. 

I FELT AS IF GOD HEARD MY HEART'S CRY.

I felt like we would again be living out a deeper purpose. We would again have a community that we could love and that would love us. We could grow together and not be so alone on the journey. We talked about ideas and we made loose plans for the coming months ahead. Then we hit a huge, unexpected road block. It felt as if...  

THE HOPE-BALLOON HAD BURST

...and thousands of its tiny little pieces scattered. How do you pick up the pieces when it took so much to hope in the first place? Some days I get lost in the ache of broken pieces.

HOW DO YOU TRUST IN THE ACHE?

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How can you be lonely when you live in a house with eight other people? How can you be lonely when you are loved deeply and dearly by your beloved? How can you be lonely when the walls of your home are filled with the laughter and play of children?  

HOW CAN YOU BE LONELY WHEN YOU HAVE GOD?

Well, let me tell you that you can. I have been lonely. I am human. I miss being able to call my friends and meet them at the local coffee shop or the wings joint. I miss being able to have conversations in person about everything and nothing.  

I MISS HUGS. 

I MISS FACES. 

I MISS VOICES. 

I MISS FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. 

I MISS INDIVIDUALS. 

I MISS PEOPLE. 

I MISS COMMUNITY.

I miss, and I ache.  (sigh)

HOW DO YOU TRUST IN THE ACHE?

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YOU PRAY IN THE ACHE...

YOU WAIT IN THE ACHE...

YOU MUSTER UP ANY SHRED OF FAITH IN THE ACHE...

YOU CRY IN THE ACHE...

YOU BE HONEST IN THE ACHE...

AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, YOU REMEMBER AND KNOW THAT GOD IS GOD, AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU... 

TRUST HIM...TRUST HIM...TRUST HIM 

IN THE ACHE...

THE ONE WHO ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT IS IN THE DEPTHS OF YOUR SOUL HOLDS YOU IN HIS HANDS AND IN HIS CARE...

HIS KISS WILL COME...

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One of my God-kisses came a week ago. Dear friends of ours from Indiana called and wondered if they could come visit us this weekend. Because we are 1,200 miles from almost everyone that we know, this was as spur-of-the-moment-wonderful as it gets! The trip would be a birthday gift for the wife. She asked for "The Sargents" for her birthday. Wow. Little did she know that...  

MY SWEET JESUS HEARD MY HEART'S CRY.

He knew the loneliness in my soul, and how much I missed. Their trip here is actually going to be a gift from...

HIM TO ME!

Only God knew what was really going on in the deep with me. Only God knows what is going on in the deep with you. I know I don't have all the "kisses" I would like or need from Him, but this one gives me...  

HOPE THAT HE HEARS ME... 

AND HOPE THAT HE CARES...

It gives me a little boost to keep trusting even in the most difficult of achy days. I want to encourage you to KEEP TRUSTING, too. Perhaps a God-kiss has already come your way? Continue holding on, dear heart. Perhaps a God-kiss has come but it's hiding in an unexpected place? Perhaps you need to keep hanging on?

HOLD FAST.

DON'T GIVE UP. 


HE KNOWS YOUR HEART. 

HE FEELS YOUR ACHE.

HE LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU TO KNOW THAT... 

YOUR KISS WILL COME.

IT'S COMING, DEAR ONE, IT'S COMING.

 

Autumn: Beautiful, Bare, and Holy

I love autumn. I love to watch our mountains transform from a blanket of green into winding rivers of aspen gold.

The crackle of wood on a cozy fire chases away the evening chill, and mouths water while patiently waiting for perfectly toasted marshmallows  to squish between chocolate and graham crackers. Smells waft through the house with the fragrance of home baked treats...some to keep and some to share. The crickets' song lulls us to peace and beckons us to rest with their final serenade of the season.


CHILDREN...

Children's faces light up with delight when the perfect pumpkin is found in the farmer's patch.

Children know how to STOP AND ENJOY. They delight in the simplicity of things...raking leaves, jumping in piles, and crunching leaves between their toes on surprisingly warm days. Children seem to inherently know the value of things. They help us to realize there is beauty in what others may call a nuisance or even a mess.   

AUTUMN DELIGHTS ARE BUT A BREATH IN THE STRETCH OF THE SEASONS...

The calico handiwork of our Maker seems to disappear as quickly as it emerges. I stand in awe of the fire red maple tree in our front yard. Its beauty is unmatched against the backdrop of  Colorado blue sky.   

It is here...under this magnificent young tree where my children climb and play that I begin to wonder...

WHEN WILL THE LEAVES DIE AND FALL FROM THIS BEAUTY TREE? 

It won't be long. I know it won't be long... *sigh*

Within two short days of scarlet beauty, a storm comes to shake the branches and rattle the leaves free. Rain pounds heavy and most leaves fall under the burden. A few desperately try to hang on and cling to the life of the tree. Wind whips fierce howling through the branches.

IT'S TIME TO LET GO...

YOU HAVE TO LET GO...

This is the way it has to be. This is what has always been planned.  

THIS IS BEST.

The tree must be stripped bare.

Sometimes...

WE MUST BE STRIPPED BARE, TOO.

We have to let go, and let the Wind and Rain shake parts of us free.

WE HAVE TO LET OURSELVES BE TREE NAKED BEFORE OUR MAKER.

We have to let our leaves die and fall away. Getting this honest can be painful, and lonely. We may feel vulnerable and raw and...

UGLY...

This is the way it has to be. This is what has always been planned.

THIS IS BEST.

We have to be soul bare and ready.

BECAUSE...

Soft and silent He will come.

I PROMISE.

HE WILL COME...

 

TO MAKE US BEAUTIFUL...

Wrapped in the blanket of Him, I am in true awe. It leaves me breathless, because somehow it all feels just a little bit...

HOLY...

Return

I've been reading through the Bible this past year, and this December will mark the first time in my life that I will have read every single word (FINALLY!). Through the years, I'm sure I've read most of it several times over, but I wanted to be certain that I've soaked in every last drop of God's story possible. I've discovered many stories of which I wasn't aware, I've had things clarified, corrected, and put into context, I've "met" a few people I didn't know, and grew closer to some I did.

In the midst of my daily reading, I've found it a bit of struggle to read through overly familiar passages. I deeply desire to read with FRESH EYES and an OPEN HEART, I long for God to BREATHE SOMETHING NEW FROM COMMON STORIES INTO ME. Despite best efforts, sometimes the words in known stories still run together, and my thoughts wander beyond.

In today's reading I came across one such story:

"If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won't he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it?"

Yeah... yeah... you know the story. We've all heard it a thousand times.

"And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, 'Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.'" 

I'm sure we all can agree. What a nice story, but nothing new...blah blah...

"In the same way there is more joy in heaven over one lost...who...returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven't strayed away."  (Luke 15:4-7 NLT)

That's it. Mission accomplished. I've read the story...yet again. I can check my little box. Now on to the next set of verses. Right?

Wait.

What?

There's something I didn't see before. One little word. One little word that demands I read the entire set of verses again. One little word pierced through my familiar rut like a beacon piercing darkness.

One little word...

RETURNS...

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Have you ever been lost? You can be and feel lost for so many reasons. Perhaps you've been in a spiritual desert. Maybe you are even in one now? Have you ever struggled with doubt, depression, grief, disappointment? Have you awakened in the midst of the heavy only to find you've wandered beyond home? Perhaps you've grown complacent, and comfort has robbed you of the clarity to see you are fully displaced. Maybe little sins have gotten you off-course. Maybe not-so-little sins have BUILT A WALL, SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BREAK THROUGH, BETWEEN LOST AND FOUND.

However you've ended up lost... whether it was by your own fault, another person's hurtful actions towards you, or just simply the circumstance of your situation, being lost is just that... LOST.

We all have been here. You may have to search and sift and dig deep within to see it, but at one point or another, ALL OF US HAVE BEEN LOST.

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I have been lost several times in my life for many different reasons. However, one of the deepest disappointments in my life is that I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BECOME HOPELESSLY LOST AFTER HAVING BEEN TRULY FOUND.

Here in the dark cloak of midnight, truth pierces like a beacon.

That wondrous word...  

RETURNS...

You cannot return if you never belonged.

When you return, you go back to the place from which you came.

HOME...

In the story of the lost sheep, the shepherd left the ninety-nine sheep to search for the one that was lost. It dawned on me new that the one sheep-lost already BELONGED to the shepherd. The one sheep-lost was FOUND and carried HOME.

Do you see it? Do you see the truth-light shining through the darkness? 

YOU CAN'T GO HOME IF YOU NEVER HAD A HOME TO BEGIN WITH. 

YOU CAN'T RETURN IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A PLACE TO RETURN TO. 

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Dearest fellow lost one... forgotten, bedraggled, devastated, misspent, misused, ruined, squandered, wiped out, and wrecked... it's never too late to go home. He will search for you until He finds you.

UNTIL... 

HE FINDS YOU...

Do not let shame, regret, remorse, self-punishment, pride, anger, hurt, or loss keep you from calling His name. Call His name. He is searching for you.

"JESUS, HELP." 

"FIND ME HERE."

...is enough.

IT'S ALWAYS ENOUGH.



Fellow lost heart...

HOME IS WAITING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU'VE BEEN, OR WHY YOU'VE BEEN.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S TIME.

IT'S TIME TO RETURN...

  

HOME...


I am so grateful that my DAD left the ninety-nine to search for me. I am thankful that it wasn't a loss for Him to seek and find and carry me home. It's hard to believe that He rejoices over me. I know He does, though. If I'm quiet and still enough, I can almost hear "heaven's joy" and the celebration of His song.

YES...

I THINK I CAN HEAR THE SONG...  

"Seek the Lord while you can find Him. Call on Him while He is near... Let them turn to the Lord that He may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God for He will forgive generously." (Isaiah 55:6-7 NLT) 

Will it Rain?

I'm sitting on the porch- computer on my lap.  I have much to do, yet my heart distracts me.  Thoughts of school weigh on me heavy.  I need to finalize homeschool orders, organize our school room, finish other things that I won't have time to complete once our school schedule is in swing.  We have visitors coming next week, and two weeks after that we are taking a much needed (educational) family vacation.  There is much to do.  There is much to prepare.  And here I am on our porch.  Sitting.  My wandering heart questioning...

WILL IT RAIN?

As the breeze tickles the leaves green I hear the melodic rustle of the wind moving from tree to tree.  I can almost follow its invisible path.  Thunder cracks and rolls in the far-off distance.  The reality hits that the leaves green will soon be fire red. They will  release and fall as another season passes making way for rest and then new growth.  It has been heavy on my heart that it's almost been a year.

A YEAR... 

A YEAR...

In this very moment I hear an engine straining under the weight of its load.  I look up and see a moving truck exiting our community with their life in tow.  Their journey is taking them BEYOND HERE.  Almost twelve months have passed since we entered this community.  Our journey has BROUGHT US HERE.  A lot has happened in this year... a lot has happened just yesterday.  I find myself here in this time and in this space- somewhat lost and somewhat found.  All I can muster to ask with these thoughts mingled and tangled together...

WILL IT RAIN?    

Thoughts sift and stir, and sift and stir over-and-over again.  Sometimes there is pain in the sifting, and rattling in the stirring.  School, kids, home, relationships, family, friends, church... *sigh* church?  hurts, failures, should-have-beens, could-have-beens...  I try to focus on the task in front of me but...

SOMETIMES GOD WANTS US TO LAY TASKS ASIDE AND PRESS INTO HIM... PRESS INTO THE QUESTIONS.

I press in, and I wonder...

WILL IT RAIN?

Out of nowhere lightning flashes and the bold clap of thunder startles me.  I have learned this past year that it rarely rains in Colorado.  Evidence of coming rain does not always mean it will.  The sun taunts the clouds and they argue.  Who will win?  I need to know.

WILL IT RAIN? 

Will it rain in my heart and refresh my soul?  I'm thirsty for more- more of JESUS- deeper still.   

I WANT MORE.

Will the secret longings within my depths be heard or answered.  Do I dare to dream again?  It feels  risky to even breathe it, let alone say it... I might be dreaming again... hoping again.  In a moment honest... unexpected...  here on this porch my answer comes...
  
RAIN.

For one solid, yet brief minute...

Straight as an arrow down to the ground, RAIN pounds into thirsty soil.

Straight as an arrow down to my soul, GOD pounds into me...

BELIEF......

 

For This I Write...

I recently read several blog posts from a fellow blogger.  As I read her beautiful words, an insecurity gripped me with a vice unexpected.  The tapestry formed with her word threads wove a tale that held me within a blanket covering which I didn't want to leave.   

I BECAME PAINFULLY AWARE THAT I DO NOT HAVE THE SAME GIFT AS SHE- THE GIFT OF BEAUTY WORDS.

It caused me to look deep within to search out and sink teeth into the "WHY" of my writing.  If I don't have the gift of weaving word pictures, then why am I doing this?

I KNOW THAT I AM HERE TO WEAVE "HEART" PICTURES, NOT "WORD" PICTURES.

It's true that you need words to tell the heart, but the heart stories I share won't always be created with the threads of beautiful words.  I'm okay with this. Matters of the heart are what I have been called to share in whatever way the words are woven together- beautiful or not.


FOR THIS I WRITE...


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I KNOW I BREAK EVERY SPOKEN AND UNSPOKEN BLOG RULE IN THE BOOK. 

You can blog too much or too little, you can post your blogs on the wrong day of the week or the wrong time of day, your blog posts shouldn't be too long or too short, and your blog should only focus on one topic or purpose.  By all means, you shouldn't be too transparent in your writing, and make sure you are developing relationships with other bloggers by commenting on their blogs and guest posting for them.  Your actual blog should look sharp and professional.  Be sure to ask compelling questions at the end of each piece to connect your readers.  When you post a new blog, you should promote it several times a day on Facebook, Twitter, and other social sites- even link your blog on other blogs or websites. Failure to do all or most of the above will result in poor traffic on your blog, low readership, and *GASP* maybe even the death of your blog.

My conclusion to all of this?

I DON'T CARE.

Please understand that for those of you who do blog, and do care deeply about the hidden and not-so-hidden rules of blogging, I don't fault you.  I understand. But my purpose for being here in this space to write and share my journey might be different than yours.

I AM HERE BECAUSE GOD HAS ASKED ME TO BE.  

IT'S THAT SIMPLE.  

I trust Him to bring those who may need a wash of truth, or a touch of grace to find this space without my own promotion of it.  My blog will not be "big" and it's likely my readership will be "small."  Again, I am okay with this.  I want my heart to be pure, and I want to be as agenda free in my writing as I possibly can be.  For me, eliminating even the hint of self promotion is the only way I know how to do this.  I trust God that whoever passes this way is supposed to.   

IF YOU ARE READING THESE WORDS, PERHAPS YOU WERE LED HERE, SOMEHOW?


FOR THIS I WRITE...


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SHADOWS...

Each time I sit down to write, I am haunted to a certain extent by my shadows from the past- some from the distant past, and some from the not-so-distant past.  I am painfully aware of people that probably feel I don't deserve a platform from which to share.  There are also people that have misunderstood me, tangled up truth to benefit themselves and their own purposes, and there are also those who have chosen to believe their own versions of  truth.  I know there are those who are upset because I share, and share transparently.  There are also those who judge me and those who feel like I judge others.

I OWN MY FAILURES, MISTAKES, AND BROKENNESS.

ALWAYS.

I HAVE NEVER PUT MYSELF ON ANY TYPE OF PEDESTAL.

EVER.

I know what and who I am.  I have no stones-of-judgment to throw, and in the past decade I have never thrown them.  I am an incredibly grateful girl who is beyond honored that I get to be here sharing and writing.

THIS PLATFORM IS NOT ONE THAT I HAVE TAKEN- IT HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME.

I do not take lightly the weight and responsibility of the privilege it is to speak into peoples' lives.  It is an honor, and I prayerfully consider each and every word shared here.  As I solidify "why" I write, for me it is important to stare into the shadows once and for all.  I will write about my journey of those past shadows, but those shadows and the people that try to hold me in them by their thoughts, gossip and chatter will no longer dictate what I share.  I will not be stilled or silenced. 

I AM HERE TO SHARE STORIES OF GRACE- MESSY AND REAL.

From here on out, it will be God's wings shadowing over me with his redemption and grace.  Past, present, and future failures (we ALL have them) will not own me or stop me from sharing this truth.


FOR THIS I WRITE...      


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As long as I'm getting all of this off my chest, I am going to, once and for all, put this out there as well.  I already know that much of what I am being called to share may get "some people" in a twist.  As parts of my story unfold that involve "some people," I look to this quote from Anne Lamott:

"IF PEOPLE WANTED YOU TO WRITE WARMLY ABOUT THEM, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEHAVED BETTER." 

I have a LOT of story to share.  I have, unintentionally, ruffled a few feathers since I started blogging, and I am sure I will continue to ruffle more feathers.  I am aware that there have been divisive behaviors going on behind my back.  I cannot control what other people think, do, and say. 

RELINQUISHING ALL CONTROL TO GOD IN SITUATIONS LIKE THESE CAN BE DIFFICULT, BUT I SURRENDER MYSELF TO HIM KNOWING THAT HE SEES AND KNOWS THE DETAILS OF ALL.

He knows the truth, and He is worthy and capable of caring for my heart in the midst of what others try to do to me.  I can only be responsible for myself and my own actions, and I strive to be honest, transparent, and sensitive in all things.  I am a deep feeler and thinker so this is much easier said than done, but ultimately, I know I have to shelve my own feelings and concerns.  I write to honor God and God alone.

IT IS HIS STORY OF CONTINUED GRACE, REDEMPTION, TENDERNESS AND MERCY THAT I LIVE TO TELL.

I write from my own experience, and I'm not just tossing truths out without any sense of what it means to really live it.  If I have to choose between sharing something hard that God wants me to share or pleasing people, it won't be people that I please.


FOR THIS I WRITE...


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FOR ME THE WORDS ARE NOTHING SHORT OF A MIRACLE.

The words confirm to me why I am here.  I have never written anything in my entire adult life- and I mean NEVER.  I wrote a terrible piece in high school about a mouse living inside of my piano.  Ewww...  I think my teacher gave me a passing grade as a simple act of grace because he liked me.  Other than research papers for college, that piece was the last thing I wrote before 2011.  I awoke the morning of February 18, 2011 and felt an overwhelming weight that I needed to start a blog.  I knew that if I didn't do it, I was not listening to God's direction for me.  I was terrified.

I KNEW THE ONLY THING I COULD DO WAS TRUST.

THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN DO STILL IS TRUST.

Each word that comes is a gift, a miracle if you will.  I know that when I write, it is beyond me.  I also know that at any moment, God could remove the gift and I would have no more words.

FOR AS LONG AS HE STIRS THE STORY IN MY HEART, I WILL WRITE IT.

I looked back on my very first blog post.  (You can read it HERE.)  I stand beside each of those words a year and a half later.  Perhaps I would write them now a little less softly, and with more certainty and conviction because...

I KNOW THIS IS WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. 

Next to being a wife to my husband and mom/teacher to my children, this little corner of the internet is my "call."

FOR THIS I WRITE...

***********

I realize this particular piece may have a bit more of an "edge" to the feel of it compared to my normal writing.

PLEASE KNOW THAT SHARING GRACE, GRACE, GRACE AND HEART, HEART, HEART IS MY DEEP AND FOREVER CALL.

I felt strongly today that I needed to get into words why I am here.  I know the passion and conviction has sounded a bit firm.  As I have written these words, I realize it's not only about this space on the internet, but about my life.  Being upside-down is not just a fun little blog name to me, it's my very existence.  To live out the heart and share it here as God leads...

FOR THIS I WRITE...   


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Thank you for being here.  I appreciate each and every one of you.  Please know dear hearts, this is for you.

FOR THIS I WRITE...