I recently read several blog posts from a fellow blogger. As I read her
beautiful words, an insecurity gripped me with a vice unexpected. The
tapestry formed with her word threads wove a tale that held me within a
blanket covering which I didn't want to leave.
I BECAME PAINFULLY AWARE THAT I DO NOT HAVE THE SAME GIFT AS SHE- THE GIFT OF BEAUTY WORDS.
It
caused me to look deep within to search out and sink teeth into the
"WHY" of my writing. If I don't have the gift of weaving word pictures,
then why am I doing this?
I KNOW THAT I AM HERE TO WEAVE "HEART" PICTURES, NOT "WORD" PICTURES.
It's true that you need words to tell the heart, but the heart stories I
share won't always be created with the threads of beautiful words. I'm
okay with this. Matters of the heart are what I have been called to
share in whatever way the words are woven together- beautiful or not.
FOR THIS I WRITE...
***********
I KNOW I BREAK EVERY SPOKEN AND UNSPOKEN BLOG RULE IN THE BOOK.
You can
blog too much or too little, you can post your blogs on the wrong day
of the week or the wrong time of day, your blog posts shouldn't be too
long or too short, and your blog should only focus on one topic or
purpose. By all means, you shouldn't be too transparent in your
writing, and make sure you are developing relationships with other
bloggers by commenting on their blogs and guest posting for them. Your
actual blog should look sharp and professional. Be sure to ask compelling questions at the end of each piece to connect your readers. When you post a new
blog, you should promote it several times a day on Facebook, Twitter,
and other social sites- even link your blog on other blogs or websites. Failure to do all or most of the above will result in poor traffic on
your blog, low readership, and
*GASP* maybe even the death of your blog.
My conclusion to all of this?
I DON'T CARE.
Please understand that for those of you who do blog, and do care deeply
about the hidden and not-so-hidden rules of blogging, I don't fault you.
I understand. But my purpose for being here in this space to write
and share my journey might be different than yours.
I AM HERE BECAUSE GOD HAS ASKED ME TO BE.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
I trust Him to bring those who
may need a wash of truth, or a touch of grace to find this space without
my own promotion of it. My blog will not be "big" and it's likely my readership will be "small." Again, I am okay with this. I want my heart
to be pure, and I want to be as agenda free in my writing as I possibly
can be. For me, eliminating even the hint of self promotion is the only
way I know how to do this. I trust God that whoever passes this way is supposed to.
IF YOU ARE READING THESE WORDS, PERHAPS YOU WERE LED HERE, SOMEHOW?
FOR THIS I WRITE...
***********
SHADOWS...
Each time I sit down to write, I am haunted to a certain extent by my shadows from the past- some from the distant past, and some from the not-so-distant past. I am painfully aware of people that probably feel I don't deserve a platform from which to share. There are also people that have misunderstood me, tangled up truth to benefit themselves and their own purposes, and there are also those who have chosen to believe their own versions of truth. I know there are those who are upset because I share, and share transparently. There are also those who judge me and those who feel like I judge others.
I OWN MY FAILURES, MISTAKES, AND BROKENNESS.
ALWAYS.
I HAVE NEVER PUT MYSELF ON ANY TYPE OF PEDESTAL.
EVER.
I know what and who I am. I have no stones-of-judgment to throw, and in the past decade I have never thrown them. I am an incredibly grateful girl who is beyond honored that I get to be here sharing and writing.
THIS PLATFORM IS NOT ONE THAT I HAVE TAKEN- IT HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME.
I do not take lightly the weight and responsibility of the privilege it is to speak into peoples' lives. It is an honor, and I prayerfully consider each and every word shared here. As I solidify "why" I write, for me it is important to stare into the shadows once and for all. I will write about my journey of those past shadows, but those shadows and the people that try to hold me in them by their thoughts, gossip and chatter will no longer dictate what I share. I will not be stilled or silenced.
I AM HERE TO SHARE STORIES OF GRACE- MESSY AND REAL.
From here on out, it will be God's wings shadowing over me with his redemption and grace. Past, present, and future failures (we ALL have them) will not own me or stop me from sharing this truth.
FOR THIS I WRITE...
***********
As long as I'm getting all of this off my chest, I am going to, once and for all, put this out there as well. I already know that much of what I am being called to share may get "some people" in a twist. As parts of my story unfold that involve "some people," I look to this quote from Anne Lamott:
"IF PEOPLE WANTED YOU TO WRITE WARMLY ABOUT THEM, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEHAVED BETTER."
I have a LOT of story to share. I have, unintentionally, ruffled a few feathers since I started blogging, and I am sure I will continue to ruffle more feathers. I am aware that there have been divisive behaviors going on behind my back. I cannot control what other people think, do, and say.
RELINQUISHING ALL CONTROL TO GOD IN SITUATIONS LIKE THESE CAN BE DIFFICULT, BUT I SURRENDER MYSELF TO HIM KNOWING THAT HE SEES AND KNOWS THE DETAILS OF ALL.
He knows the truth, and He is worthy and capable of caring for my heart in the midst of what others try to do to me. I can only be responsible for myself and my own actions, and I strive to be honest, transparent, and sensitive in all things. I am a deep feeler and thinker so this is much easier said than done, but ultimately, I know I have to shelve my own feelings and concerns. I write to honor God and God alone.
IT IS HIS STORY OF CONTINUED GRACE, REDEMPTION, TENDERNESS AND MERCY THAT I LIVE TO TELL.
I write from my own
experience, and I'm not just tossing truths out without any sense
of what it means to really live it. If I have to choose between sharing
something hard that God wants me to share or pleasing people, it won't
be people that I please.
FOR THIS I WRITE...
***********
FOR ME THE WORDS ARE NOTHING SHORT OF A MIRACLE.
The words confirm to me why I am here. I have never written anything in my entire adult life- and I mean
NEVER. I wrote a terrible piece in high school about a mouse living inside of my piano. Ewww... I think my teacher gave me a passing grade as a simple act of grace because he liked me. Other than research papers for college, that piece was the last thing I wrote before 2011. I awoke the morning of February 18, 2011 and felt an overwhelming weight that I needed to start a blog. I knew that if I didn't do it, I was not listening to God's direction for me. I was terrified.
I KNEW THE ONLY THING I COULD DO WAS TRUST.
THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN DO STILL IS TRUST.
Each word that comes is a gift, a miracle if you will. I know that when I write, it is beyond me. I also know that at any moment, God could remove the gift and I would have no more words.
FOR AS LONG AS HE STIRS THE STORY IN MY HEART, I WILL WRITE IT.
I looked back on my very first blog post. (You can read it
HERE.) I stand beside each of those words a year and a half later. Perhaps I would write them now a little less softly, and with more certainty and conviction because...
I KNOW THIS IS WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
Next to being a wife to my husband and mom/teacher to my children, this little corner of the internet is my "call."
FOR THIS I WRITE...
***********
I realize this particular piece may have a bit more of an "edge" to the feel of it compared to my normal writing.
PLEASE KNOW THAT SHARING GRACE, GRACE, GRACE AND HEART, HEART, HEART IS MY DEEP AND FOREVER CALL.
I felt strongly today that I needed to get into words why I am here. I know the passion and conviction has sounded a bit firm. As I have written these words, I realize it's not only about this space on the internet, but about my life. Being upside-down is not just a fun little blog name to me, it's my very existence. To live out the heart and share it here as God leads...
FOR THIS I WRITE...
***********
Thank you for being here. I appreciate each and every one of you. Please know dear hearts, this is for you.
FOR THIS I WRITE...
